It's a bit Mickey Mouse.

Disney's Magic Kingdom.

You may be tempted to hum the Addams Family theme when looking at this photo. Don't.

The boy at the front, in blue, is not one of ours.

So off we went to Florida with our friends G and D and their 3 boys. 4 adults, six kids (all boys). Chaos was inevitable.

This holiday has been planned for over a year and for the last 6 months or so D has been planning our itinery which we were happy to let her do as it saved us the bother. Now, in retrospect, we have realised that she is a bit of a control freak and it was more about her having control than it was about anything else. Anyway with the help of D's itinery there follows a brief summary of the holiday. The planning was done with the aid of the Brit's guide to Orlando which I can't recommend highly enough, if you're going to florida this book is a must.

Fri 31st March - Travelling.

We flew with British Airways, we were able to check in online before going ( I imagine that other airlines offer this aswell) this saved the usual queuing and arguing over seats palaver at the airport and comes highly recommended. The flight was fine, getting through Orlando airport was a bit of a trial though. It took 3 hours after we landed to actually get on our way, most of this was down to the car hire (most which was all pre-booked) but it takes a long time to get through security, passport control, collecting luggage and then handing it back again, collecting it once more, finger print scanning, anal probes, customs blah blah blah. after a long day we arrived at the villa.

Saturday - Disney's Animal Kingdom.

This was one of the places I was looking forward to as it was being built the last time I was in Florida (on honeymoon). Myself, Big'un, G and his eldest boy R did the new roller coaster, expedition everest. This was big'uns first proper roller coaster. He looked absolutely terrified all the way through. When we got off R started saying how excellent and cool the ride was so big'un started giving it the big one "yeah that was way cool, can we do it again, this is my favourite place". He didn't do any other coasters in the whole two weeks!

Sunday- Epcot.

As Big'un's pokemon obsession is still going strong when we told him that the Epcot centre world showcase had a Japan section he immediately said "will they sell Pokemon?" " I doubt it" I replied "it'll sell souveneirs and clothes and stuff like that" anyway you guessed it, the shop had a few bits of traditional Japanese stuff and the worlds supply of Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Power Rangers etc.

Mon- Blizzard beach water park and Disney MGM studios.

I love water parks and MGM is really good but we didn't spend a enough time in either.

Tues- We did an airboat ride.

Airboats are those flat things with a gi-normous fan on the back that you see on the telly hurtling around the eveglades in a very exciting fashion. The actual experience was somewhat underwhelming as we spent most of the time barely moving looking for 'gators (we didn't see any). I wouldn't recommend it.

In the afternoon we went to Seaworld. Seaworld now has a big fuck off roller coaster called Kraken. G and R and myself went off to do it but R was knocked back because he was a gnat's cock shorter that the height restriction. Ten minutes later, after a couple of park maps had been neatly folded and put into his shoes, we were in the queue. We got the front row, oh my god!

Wed - Kennedy space centre.

Me, Big'un, G and his two eldest boys went to Kennedy while the ladies and young'uns went shopping in Downtown Disney marketplace. Kennedy was good but the tour we did was a bit wasted on the boys.

Thurs - Universal Islands of Adventure.

Another park that was new to me and boy was it good. We started off with a character breakfast where we met Spiderman, Cat in the hat and thing 1 and thing 2. As Spiderman appeared at the side of Big'un he burst into tears, we thought spiderman had scared him a bit by sneaking up but it turned out Big'un had forgotten his autograph book and was upset that he wouldn't get Spidermans. We managed to calm him by suggesting that Spiderman signed a park map . The Suess Landing area was fantastic, constructed exactly like in Dr Seuss books. The Lost Continent island was incredible, with huge sculptures and architechure. We did a "ride" called "Poseidons Fury" which featured lots of noise and huge projections on to water, it was very loud, very scary, very wet, it was fantastic. It also scared the shite out of most of the kids.

For me the best part was Marvel super Hero island. I was in nerd heaven. We met characters from the X-men, Captain america, we did the spiderman 3d ride, they had a comic shop. I touched my inner nerd, and he was warm.

Fri - Universal studios.

Universal use the the timescales as London Underground / British Rail for calculating their queue times which are roughly one and a half times longer than stated.

Sat- Magic kingdom.

Summed up in one word. Packed. Absolutely-feckin-rammed. The biggest disappointment of the holiday for Wifey was that she didn't get to do the Small World ride. We did get Mickey Mouse's autograph though.

Sun- Shopping

We went went shopping while the others went to Discovery cove to Swim with dolphins.

Mon - Typhoon Lagoon and return to Universal.

Typhoon Lagoon is the other Disney water park which is themed like a desert island.

Tue- Left the villa to spend 3 nights in Clearwater Beach on th Florida's Gulf Coast visiting busch Gardens on the way.

At Busch Gardens I did the Shiekra coaster which features a 200ft vertical drop, which they hang you over and pause before letting you plummet towards certain death. Once again we had the front row, this was truly scary.

The idea of going to the beach for a few days was not ours, we are not beach people, in fact I can't imagine anything more boring than just lying on a beach while the sun damages your skin.

Anyway we just went with the flow and although it seemed a nice idea on paper the reality was a bit different. Clearwater Beach itself was a bit dissapointing and the Hotel was rank. The rooms smelt of B.O which came from the air con and the place itself was grotty. Next door to the hotel was a bar which had a sign outside proudly proclaiming "live music from 2pm to 2am" and didn't we know it!

It wasn't bad enough to spoil the holiday but I certainly wouldn't do the " few days on the coast" thing again, why go to the most magical place on earth only to spend time around a pool or on the beach. If you're thinking of going to Florida and want a few days of "theme park relief" then plan them throughout the holiday rather than in one go at the end.

Sat 15th April - arrived home needing a holiday.

Back in Blighty.
Oh well, back to the old grindstone. The holiday was fantastic, the kids had a great time and so did the adults.
On the return flight Wifey and I were witnesses to a mild air rage incident where a steward was accused of being rude by a man who was shouting at him. The steward had pointed out to the mans wife that she should use the toilets at the rear of the plane and not the ones in business class. We had to fill in a report because the incident happened right in front of us and the man insisted that it was taken further. The steward wasn't rude to the lady at all and when he directed her to the correct toilets she said "oh sor-ry" in a very sarcastic and childish manner. The man was a great big fat pig with a very aggressive manner.
It's funny (not) how quite often people who are in the wrong become aggressive and threatening when trying to get what they want. You get loads of examples of this if you watch Airline on telly, which is a fly on the wall series about Easyjet airline. The one incident that sticks in my mind was when a "businessman" and his wife were refused to fly because for some reason that was entirely his fault ( I think it might have been that they had a pet that hadn't been quarantined). The "businessman"went on to blame the airline, shout at them, argue and generally make a right prat of himself on national TV but what did it for me was when the easyjet person pointed out that were they to let him fly, the plane could be refused to land and sent back and he would be liable for the cost of the fuel, about £10,000.Too which he replied in a very matter of fact way "I'll pay that, no problem, I'll pay for for the fuel" as if he expected Easyjet to change their minds and say "der, yeah, okay". Easyjet is a cheap bargain bucket no frills airline if this man honestly expected anyone to believe that he had 10 grand just lying around why the fuck wasn't he traveling first class on British Airways.

Riding the SV along the A13 this morning, just pootling along in the middle lane minding my own business when a nob in a Volvo moves into my lane, without looking, without indicating and without caring about the fact that there happens to be a bloke on a motorbike (me) occupying the space he was about to enter. I beeped him and accelerated a bit to get in front, he looked out of his side window and began sticking his fingers up and swearing ( it's amazing what you can lip read) with a look of pure hatred on his face. What a pillock, he was completly in the wrong.
As I rode past I shook my head and gave him the all powerful wanker sign at which point he beeped back at me and started to try and drive up behind me so I went between two cars and left him to stew in his own anger.

Anyway, full holiday review coming before the end of the week. Honest.

Intermission




Right then I'm off to Florida. Back on april 15th

4 adults and 6 kids, this isn't going to be a relaxing holiday.


In the meantime please read one of the far more interesting blogs listed in the sidebar under the heading Pearls of wisdom, go on just pick one you've never visited before, who knows where you'll end up.

Lush
Last week Wifey went out on the lash twice! On friday she went out with the mums for a meal and on wednesday the bossman at the nusery where she works took out all the staff for a meal to say thank you for all their hard work.
One man and seventeen women and guess what they talked about all night? ...... yes, SEX!
Poor bloke must have been like a frightened rabbit caught in a car's headlights.

It's life Gym, but not as we know it

Buzz Lightweight has got a new obsession, he now treats his body as a temple and has joined the on-site gym .He goes 3 times a week. In order to change himself into Buff Lightweight, Buzz has become a gym bunny.
The only problem with this is that he keeps disappearing to the gym, without telling anyone, when he should be working.
I can't go into much detail because it's a work thing but it reached a head last week when he came back from the gym and then sat on his arse for 3/4 of an hour when there was work outstanding.
I had a go at him, in the printroom, out loud, in front of everyone.
He said "hold on, lets have this conversation in private" I was on a roll, I said "no" and carried on listing his faults.
A bit later on he confronted me for round 2, I offered him a compromise which he thought was fair and far as I was concerned the issue was dealt with and closed. Buzz apparently thought different.
Buzz has some difficulties in his home life and he said that going to the gym helped him to relieve the stress he had been under. This is fair enough and I'm glad I don't have the same problems he has got but I just felt that in a close working enviroment you have got to be flexible and work with a bit of give and take and he was taking too much. Going to the gym is not something that I would do during the working day, even if I did claim it was my lunchbreak.
He called me aside on wednesday and stated that he had thought I went way over the top and it was so unfair and nobody likes me ,everybody hates me, I'm going to go and eat worms. He also took the opportunity to kindly remind me that my role in the site as unofficial lead engineer does not mean I'm in charge and that I'm just the same as him (I wanted to say "I am not the same as you!", but I bit my tongue and held it in) and that I am just a liason for the client.
I'm not sure if he was expecting an apology or not but he didn't get one.
Yesterday I arrive at work on late shift to be told by Cap'n Bob that Buzz has gone sick and once again his wife phoned in for him. This is, I think, the 5th time he has been off sick in the 18 months that he has worked here. In early February I had one and a half days off sick, this was the first sick time I have had for at least 3 years.

Buzz repairing a copier earlier in the week

He was off again today which means he won't be in tomorrow for the overtime he was so desperate for when he came here.

Halle-fecking-lujah
This weekend was the firms annual do. Wifey and I went to the very nice Ashford International Hotel for a dirty weekend, sorry I meant dinner dance.
The format was the same as usual, you pay a small contribution, you get a night in a posh hotel, dinner, drinks, a raffle, breakfast and a headache.
If any one should happen to recall my post last year you may remember that I am only slightly bitter and twisted about the fact that we have never won a thing in the raffle. Not a fucking sausage, when some people seem to win every year. Bastards.
The raffle prizes range from small items like playstations, pamper days, dvd players up to bigger items like Hifi systems, adventure days and the big daddy prize this year was a 32" LCD telly. They also have a couple of small table prizes which are not part of the main raffle. Last year I won a cheapo MP3 player as the table prize, this was the only thing I'd ever won in about ten years of going.

The raffle started, a few small prizes went, one of the pamper days was the next prize, we didnt want it, we didn't win it Pheww close escape. Next prize up was a playstation with games, we wanted it, we didn't get it. A few more prizes went, Fishboy won a slimline dvd player. Bastard. Bazza won a Sony DAB radio mini system mp3 hifi. Utter Bastard. Next up was a Tassimo coffee making gizmo, the Big boss calls out "I don't believe, it's gone to a site engineer who's probably drunk more cofee that the rest of us put together, it s Mick ......" YYYYesss, get in!
I strolled up to get my prize, soaking up the applause, and made some witty comment about does it make doughnuts aswell.
Now I didn't particularly want a coffee maker, it was too big for our kitchen but I was chuffed to buggery to actually win something. Bazza asked if we wanted to swap his HiFi for the coffee making gizmo ( He wanted to give it to his mum for mothers day) seeing as we currently didn't have a Hifi we said yes.
The raffle is usually drawn using peoples name tags for the seating arrangements but this year for the main prize (the LCD TV) they adopted a different approach. The final winner was to be found by playing heads and tails. This involved everybody standing and putting their hands on their heads or their arses then one of the managers flipped a coin, if it was heads then all the tails went out and vice versa.
I started on heads, the coin was flipped heads it was. A few people sat down. I looked around and saw that most people had chosen heads for the second round so I choose tails. The coin was flipped, spinning high into the air, and then slapped onto the back of the callers hand. Tails. Now there was less than 15 people left, Fishboy was the only other person on our table, he choose heads, so did I. Suddenly Fishboy's wife turned round and said to me "you should choose something different so our table has more chance" I replied with something along the lines of "it's every man for themselves" but the damage was done. Stay the same or change to tails? the dilema was raging in my head, the caller was about to toss the coin AAARRRGHHH what do I do? right at the last minute I changed to tails. The coin sailed into the air the caller caught it and shouted out "heads". Bollocks.
The remaining 5 people were all called out the front and two tosses later the 32" LCD tv went to the girlfriend of one of the ex-apprentices. lucky cow.

Overall it was a good function, the venue was one of the best I've been to and it was nice to have a break from the kids (especially for Wifey) and best of all we actually won something.

Customer Service

my broadband connection has been running a bit slow for some time now and I have been meaning to phone Bulldog's support line for ages but just haven't got round to it. Last Wednesday (1st march) I did get round to it. They answered the phone quickly and the support guy was very helpful and told me a few things to try but said that he couldn't log the call as their system was down and suggested that I phone back later. I decided to e-mail the tech support my problem as I was to busy to fanny about phoning up.
One of the things the oringinal support guy suggested was that as my broadband router was plugged into a phone extension socket I should unplug it and plug it into the BT master socket to see if the problem is caused by a bad conncetion in the house, fair enough I thought, but not so easy to implement. My broadband router is connected to the PC with a network patch cable, the PC is in the extension at the far back of the house, the BT master socket is in the hallway near the front of the house. Due to my neverending networking studies I have 4 PC's, a couple of hubs, a Cisco router and a Cisco switch all piled up on a wall unit type thing. Moving one of these to the hallway was not an option. so I needed either a long phone line, I haven't got one, or a long patch cable so I only need move the broadband router, I haven't got one of these either but I know a man who does.
So yesterday I manage to borrow the cable which I'll be trying out tonight and also yestreday I finally got a reply to my e-mail from bulldog support over a week after I sent it. It said I should phone tech support!

Harvey.
Early in 1991 my then girlfriend and I bought a dog. We had decided to get one from Battersea Dogs Home. We didn't, instead we drove to Wales and bought a liver spotted Dalmation.
We had been planning it for ages and had already decided on a name, Lung. Yes you read that right the dog was to be called Lung. We could not think of a name beforehand and so as a joke I said "I'll flip through the dictionary and jab my finger and what ever word I land on is what we'll call the dog" I landed on Lung and it kind of stuck.
When we saw him we thought he doesn't really look like a Lung so another name was needed. The dogs dad was called Harry and I really liked that, it was so different from the usual Rex, Fido or Spot. So I thought about it and decided on Harvey.
The Girlfriend left, Harvey stayed.
Around 1996 I had met Wifey and we were buying a house in South Ockendon, my current house in Barking was in a safe little haven and I used to leave the back door open so Harvey could wander in and out and not shred the funiture (which he did if I locked him in). In the new house this wouldn't be possible and so it became clear that I could no longer look after Harvey without either locking him in or locking him out. This was not fair to him and I wouldn't do it.
Whenever I visited my Dad and stepmum I always took Harvey with me and they absolutely loved him. I agonised over asking dad if they wanted to look after him as he already had to look after my stepmum who is crippled with MS. He said yes without thinking.
Since then Harvey brought so much happiness to my Dad I knew I had made the right decision and realised that Harvey was so much better off with them than he had ever been with me.
Harvey provided much needed relief from the stress of looking after a demanding woman in a wheelchair.
Harvey was always a bit of a lively dog and was always enthusiastic when meeting people, at age 15 he still wanted to behave like a puppy but his body could no longer keep up. In the last few years he had become increasingly less agile and sufferered from arthritis aswell as a few other illness's.
On Monday Dad phoned me to say that Harvey hadn't been well and that he had taken him to the vets and Harvey had been kept in.
Harvey, the only pet I've ever owned, the most lovable cheeky fella and cause of much chaos was put to sleep on wednesday.

Harvey when he was little.

Fist of Fury

Big'un had his third Wing Chun kung Fu grading last Saturday and did very well, we'll find out if he past in another week or so.
Leading up to this I told him that he needed to do some practice as he hadn't been to classes for over a week due to illness. The phrase "be careful what you wish for" has never been truer.
On Monday when Wifey took Big'un to School Wifey was approached by the mum of big'uns best friend who asked
"did Big'un tell you about the incident on Friday?"
"no?" replied Wifey.
Apparently during a game with two other boys, whom I'll name Karate Kid (he does Karate you see) and Psycho (he's a bit odd you see) there was an incident where the Karate kid punched Best Friend in the stomach at which point Big'un "did some Kung Fu" on the Karate Kid.
I remind you that Big'un is aged 7.
Wifey and I both asked him about "the incident" separately. I stressed to him that I wasn't cross and this is the reason he does Kung Fu and sticking up for his friend was very honourable.
Big'un told me that after the Karate Kid punched Best friend, the Karate kid tried to punch him and he blocked it using Bong Sau (wing arm block)* then KK tried to pull his hair and that was the end of it as the dinner lady broke it up.
It is just like the plot of Fist of Fury with the Karate school verses the Kung Fu school, Fantastic!

The school playground, last Friday.

* of course the correct Wing Chun technique would have been to block and simultaneously counterpunch and then follow up with punches to the face until the opponent starts bleeding and stops moving, but I felt this would be a bit extreme for 7 year olds so I didn't point it out to Big'un :-)

Wifey was not happy....

when I told her I was going on a course (which meant staying away from home) for two weeks, one of which was school half term. In fact, not happy is somewhat of an understatement. She was mighty pissed.

The Firm's training centre is in a very nice mansion house near Reading and going on a course usually involves;

• driving up in a hire car on the Sunday night and arriving just in time to catch the bar
• spending one or two weeks pulling apart a large production printer or some such device
• putting it back together
• pulling it apart and putting back again so that it works this time
• eating a lot
• drinking a lot (for me anyway)
• burping and farting a lot
• talking a whole load of bollocks with like minded people that you have never met before.
• getting bored

But this course was different because it wasn't a hardware course it was a software course and it wasn't an engineers course it was a network support analyst's course.

The network support job is a move up that I have been working to get for a few years now and due to the fact that a couple of big obstacles have been removed from my path (they left the company) I'm in a good position and this course was a big step in the right direction. It doesn't mean I'm likely to get the job any time soon though. I really can't say much about this as it involves work and the company.

Staying at the mansion house is nice but you get a bit fed with it after a while, and having been there so many times over the years the only different thing is that the people who run the centre seem to find a new way in which they can fuck up the restaurant arrangements.

room with a view

On the return journey for the second week I got stuck in a jam on the M4 only ten minutes away from the training centre and I didn't move for two and a half hours. Listening to a Harry Potter book on CD helped to pass the time.

After a couple of hours I decided to get out of the car, stretch my legs a bit and have a wee. I was parked in the middle lane and there were two lorries on the inside, as I walked between them to the hard shoulder to empty my bladder I noticed a police car a bit further back on the hard shoulder with it's lights on full blast. Which meant that I was bathed in light. I was a bit desparate by this time so I had no choice but to turn my back and grin and bear it, as it were, and have an illuminated wazz. It wasn't long before things started moving and less than a mile up the M4 was the scene of a horrendous accident which had left two cars with the roofs cut off, one of them was covered with a tarpaulin which I assume meant it was fatal.

same room, different view

After two weeks I returned home safely, my brain swollen like a Tefal scientist with new knowledge. Despite her concerns Wifey had not gone completly insane with post traumatic childcare disorder and all three boys seemed to unharmed by the experience of having no daddy for most of two weeks.

Back at work has been busy as usual but this doesn't appear to stopped Buzz from his new obsession. He has joined the Gym.

A quick update;

I have been on a training course for the last 2 weeks and was very busy the week or so before that. I need to spend ages catching up with writing and reading blogs. hopefully by the end of this week I might have done both.

Milky Milky

With the baby being 16 months now Wifey has decided that he is no longer going to be getting draft mummy juice. Yes she has decided that enough is enough and it is time to stop breast feeding and regain possession of her thrupenny's.
I am a bit sad at the fact I will no longer be able to have a sneaky ogle every time she whips them out but, on the plus side the baby started sleeping better right from the first night.
It has been 4 days now since the breast feeding stopped and Wifey's knockers have inflated like Jordan's and become very tender. Out of the goodness of my heart I offered to vigorously massage them for her but she just said "get off you perv"


Ruby Thursday
Last night I went out on a team meal to our Local curry house the Tale of India , had a few beers and the worlds hottest chicken Jhalfrezi. We have been using the Tale of India for our team meals for about 6 six years and I highly recommend it if you happen to be in Docklands and in urgent need of a ruby.
I'm not much of a boozer and last night I had one bottle of Corona in the pub (which I managed to knock over, so only drank two thirds of it) and in the resturant I had 2 jumbo sized bottles of Cobra of which I only drank one and a half. This morning I had a bit of a headache and have felt very sluggish all day. At age 41 after two and a bit beers I'm wrecked. This is a sad state of affairs.

Celebrity Freak Show

Because I'm sad I have been watching Celebrity Big Brother. It has so far been the usual mix of minor or faded celebs (who all apparently "hate" the word celebrity) faking kindness and respect for their peers and gradually getting on eah others nerves and having a series of minor hissy fits. But on last night's programme it all got a bit nasty.
The group were given a banking task, and Preston (who?) and Chantelle (who?) as the bank directors were given special access to an exclusive club (a plush secret room with food and drink). Preston and Channy were told they had to keep it a secret.
The rest of the group were later told about the club and the fact that it was to be kept secret.
In what turned out to be a really nasty row Pete "I'm a not a gay transexual" Burns and George "saddam's bitch" Galloway ganged up on Preston and Channy for being "lying little sneaks" when they knew they were under orders to lie to win the task. The row also dragged in Dennis "I don't give shit" Rodman on the the attack and Michael "what was that splash" Barrymore came to the defence of the much younger Peston and Channy.
What this row showed to me was that George Galloway has probably destroyed his politcal career by doing this programme and Pete Burns showed that he is also ugly on the inside.

Pete Burns in the CBB house Jacuzzi yesterday

"AArrgghh please don't drag me off by my ankles to your basement dungeon, torture me, bugger me and murder me horribly"......
... was the thought that went through my mind as I looked at his wild hair and mad staring eyes.

On Sunday I had decided that I was going to wash my bike and nothing was going to stop me, not children, not Wifey, not nothing. So at about 6 o'clock in the pitch dark there I was alone in the access road /alleyway that runs behind my garage, washing my bike. The only light came from my garage and a small light on the back of the garage to help me see when I get in late.
I was suddenly aware of a large man striding purposely up the alley towards me in the darkness, he walks past me and then stops dead in his tracks and half turns around to stare back down the alley.
I casually look at him and notice his remarkable resemblence to Oddbod from Carry on Screaming. It was at this point that I started to suspect that he was a serial killer.
Oddbod continued to stare down the alley for about a minute (which believe me is a long time when you're face to face with a (potential) unhinged killer) "you alright mate?" I enquired.
He lurched forwards towards me and in a voice like a deaf person* loudly said "3 kid, throw 'tones at my house" I was taken back by the suddenness of his outburst and also by his mad staring eyes.
"no one has come down here in the last 15 minutes" I said whilst thinking "AArrgghh please don't drag me off by my ankles to your basement dungeon, torture me, bugger me and murder me horribly".
Oddbod pointed at his head and then at his arm and said something along the lines of "last time, 'it my head" and then something about his brothers arm. "oh" "er" "that's not nice is it?, I'll keep my eyes open for anyone coming this way". By this time I was convinced I'd never see my wife and children again and that I would live out my years in a dingy cellar as Oddbod's sex bitch.
Oddbod said something about the Police not being interested and then turned round and marched off up the alley. I have to say that although he was in no way threatening I was actually a bit scared. What a wuss.
After narrowly escaping death and washing the bike, safely back indoors I remarked to Wifey "oh by the way I had a run in with a mass murderer out the back of the garage" "oh" she replied feining interest as as if I was talking nonsense "would you like a cup of tea?"




*footnote: If you've ever spoken with a deaf person you'll know what I mean, but what was strange was that he appeared to hear everything I said to him!

Bluurrgghh!!


This post is dedicated to Gemmak to reinforce her choice not to have kids and to NML, whose Mum is desperate for NML to produce some grandchildren, as a warning.

Tuesday evening I got home from work at about six o'clock to find Big'un sitting on one sofa watching the Simpsons and Little'un lying on the other sofa with his head on a pillow. Wifey tells me that Little'un didn't eat much dinner and said he wanted lie down as he was tired.
Two minutes later big'un says "Daddy look" and points at Little'un being sick on the sofa. I grab Little'un, sit him up and shout to Big'un to bring me some kitchen roll. Little'un brings up a huge amount of sick which I skillfully manage to catch on a cushion ( I swear he must be like Dr Who's Tardis, bigger on the inside as he produced so much vomit) anyway Big'un returns. With one sheet of kitchen roll. Great. "GET ME SOME MORE" I scream at him while trying to prevent sick from running down the back of the sofa with my hand, he brings another two sheets and says "I'll get you some more if you need it!
Wifey had taken the Baby up for a bath, so I escorted Little'un up for a bath aswell, it wasn't until I started to clean up properly that the full horror of the situation became clear.
We have Leather sofas, we bought these deliberately as leather is easy to clean. When you lift the seat cushions off however the base and sides of the sofas are just thin material. Little'un had managed to sick the mother lode down the side of the sofa where it had run into the base.
It took me 2 hours to clean up and I had to up-end the sofa and cut open the underneath to clean out the sick.
In the meantime Wifey had bathed all 3 kids and put them all to bed. As Wifey had a friend visiting the next day we still had to tidy up, wash the floor , hoover etc, you know do all the things you only do when people are visiting. The baby woke and Wifey tried to get him back to sleep while I did the housework. At 9:30 I went out for some chips (the only cure when in times of stress) and then managed to watch Jonathan Ross' Asian Invasion on BBC4 (it was fantastic, all about extreme Japanese films, make sure you check it out next week as it's about Hong Kong cinema)
I retired to bed at 11:00 very tired. At approx 05:30 I was woken by the sound of Little'un traipsing in to our room, where he announced,
"my trousers are wet"
AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!.

Crimbo round up


this Christmas I,

• spent a huge amount of money on stuff for the kids, most of which they have barely shown an interest in . There's a lesson to be learnt there.
• spent a huge amount of time visiting the out-laws
• ate a huge amount of food, mainly whilst visiting the out-laws.
• drank 2 bottles of Becks. That's all. Must try harder in future.
• failed to receive Star Wars EPIII on DVD as a present. I bought it myself yesterday, Asda £9.97, bargain!
• bought Wifey the same book that she had bought me. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.
• spent approximately 3hrs with my parents. Must try harder to reduce this next year.
• failed to see the Harry Potter film
• managed to see King Kong though.
• spent 3 days at home looking after the kids being a house husband while Wifey was at work.

All in all not a bad crimbo, mostly boring family type stuff. Sadly the Gasman has apparently not been given any shirts for christmas.

I'm currently slumming it on the train as it has been snowing and snow and 2 wheels don't mix well.

Back to "normality" next week when I shall be ranting about Mondeo Man who lives opposite me and his extremely selfish parking habits.

Ode to the Gasman*
To the Gasman who lives across the road,
it is very nice that you are proud of your house and it is clearly nicer inside than my house. I know this because you like to have your living room lights on full brightness in the evening and you haven't got any curtains whatsoever.
I am also pleased that you are proud of your body and you clearly have a better physique than me. I know this because you never, ever wear a shirt and your living room is brightly lit and you haven't got any curtains.
I don't want to see these things, every single day and for god's sake man, it's December and you're prancing around bare chested in full view of everone making a exhibit of yourself, a bit like Chico.

So, please do me a favour and put the following items on your christmas list

1. some curtains
2. some shirts (or tops of any description)

Incidently, your wife could do with a new nightie as hers is looking a bit ropey.

* seventeen pounds and fifty pence. Boom Boom.

I'll get my coat.

You spin me right round baby right round
So today the washing machine repair man was visiting (in case you're wondering why someone as clearly technically minded as me is getting a man in to fix the WM, it 'cos it's still in warranty).
In my mind the day went like this;
washing machine repair man porn fantasy:
in which the role of Fifi Erotica, bored housewife will be played by Wifey (Angelina Jolie wasn't available) and the part of Ivor Stiffy, washing machine repair man will be played by me.
It is a cold wet morning in Hornchurch, Fifi is at home in her neglige when there's a knock at the door.
DingDong
Fifi "well Hello..."
Ivor "hello young lady what seems to be the trouble?"
Fifi "I'm wet"
Ivor "pardon?"
Fifi "the kitchens flooded"
Fifi and Ivor (wearing ripped jeans and a white vest, in December), go into the kitchen
Fifi "can you sort me out?"
Ivor "I'll try my hardest "
Fifi "I think my plumbing needs some attention"
Ivor "I'll just get my wrench out"
Fifi "my, that's an impressive tool"
Ivor " I just need to fiddle with your flangebolt"
Fifi "oooh matron"
The rest is best left to the imagination.

It's been a fairly quite day, and apart from arranging a service call for my washing machine (which can be read about as a comment on Gemmaks blog under the Paul English post) I've done little else. That is not to say I've had nothing to do, oh no, theres shit loads of things I could have got on with. I just didn't.
Instead, I've eaten loads of choccy biscuits, which reminds me - back in a mo' - right I'm back *wipes crumbs from mouth* I've talked a lot, I've taken the piss out of buzz Lightweight who had his hair cut off for charity over the weekend and for the last hour I've been reading blogs.
So now it's about time I got up off my fat lazy arse and did some work. Hang on, it's time to go home. Bye.

Think carefully before registering your domain name.

Here's a list of some funny URLs, where the designer didn't thinkingabout how people would read the name of the site:

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchangeadvice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?:
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?:
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-linewith Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

Outwitted by a 6 year old!
Last night big'un had one of his friends over. After they had spent ages on the computer playing the Madagascar game it was time for me to take "N" home. Having never been to N's home before, I asked him his addresss "103 blankety blank drive" he replied. A quick check with wifey confirmed this to be correct.
Off I went with big'un and Little'un in tow aswell. For about the last 20 mins or so Big'un and N had been having a right laugh saying silly names and shouting things out, generally being silly and giggling. I ask N to tell me to stop when we reach his house,
"There it is, number 105" he says.
"I thought it was 103"
"no, it's 105"
"I'm sure you said it was 103" I say as I start to unstrap the kids outside No105. By this time I'm starting to doubt myself and I'm thinking was it 103 or 105. Anyway the decision was taken out of my hands. I let N and Big'un out of the car and told them to wait on the pavement while I was letting Little'un out, you know what kids are like they like to see their friends right into their own houses. N and Big'un ran up to No105 and started to ring the bell and shout their silly names through the letter box.
"what on earth is going on N?" says the man who answered the door,
"I've got the wrong house haven't I?" I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I turned to N and said
"I think you owe your next door neighbour and apology" to which he replied
"I didn't know"
"you don't know you own house?" I was now even more embarassed. Five minutes later after I had finished apologising I returned N to his own house.
" N played a bit of trick on me" I said to his parents "I've apologised to your neighbour"
Damn these clever six year old's and their fiendish tricks.

Internet Security.

A couple of weeks ago at college Big Ron gave us his guide to safer internet usage. If you shop or bank online there are some simple precautions you should take. So after reading a post on Gemmak's blog I have written it up and added some extra advice.

Big Ron's guide to Safer surfing (with extra bits added by Mick)

1. Always use a credit card not a debit card. A debit card is a way straight into your bank account, with a credit you are protected against internet fraud. If you have more than one credit card always use the same one for internet shopping. This makes it easier for you to spot any thing odd and makes it easier for the authorities to track if you are unlucky enough have any problems.
2. Make sure you have antivirus software installed and running. It's not enough to install your antivirus program and forget about it, you have to keep it updated with the latest virus definitions and you have to regularly run a scan on your system. If you shop or bank online you should run a scan at least once a week.
3. Make sure you have a firewall. The windows XP firewall is not enough!. Windows firewall will block attacks coming in but will not stop any info going out of your PC. If you use broadband you should get a router, typically these will have an in built firewall and a hardware firewall is generally better than a software one, (but have a software one aswell). Something else to do is to configure your firewall to block confidential information, I use Norton firewall and you can enter things that you would like blocked e.g account no's, credit card no's, names, addresses. When entering the info you want blocked don't enter the full card number for instance just half of it. This way you are not storing the full number.
4. Have at least 3 different anti-spyware programs installed, keep them up to date and run scans with them at least once a week. You can get Ad-aware, Spybot search & Destroy and the Beta of Microsoft's anti-spyware all for free. Use more than anti-spyware product as they all seem to find different things.
5. Keep Windows up-dated, make sure you have all the latest patches from Microsoft.
6. Never ever respond to or click on links in E-mails claiming to be from E-bay, Paypal, your bank or anything else you might be signed with that threaten you with account closure if you don't update your details. These are Phishing scams intended to trick you into entering confidential info on a fake website. Some of these mails are not as obvious as the threatening ones and can be a lot more subtle. For example last week I got a mail "from Ebay" inviting me to become a powerseller, all I had to do was "click here" to log in. This was to me an obvious fake because, I don't even near qualify to be a powerseller. Here's a good tip to spot the fakes. If you remember that the wording of the link is just text (e.g above where I have linked to gemmak it says "gemmak" and not the actual address of her blog) so anyone can type in https//ebay.co.uk/ login but the link will take you somewhere else (clink on the link to see). If you are using Outlook for your e-mail when you hover your mouse pointer over a link a tooltip should appear and this will reveal the actual web address (this may work in other mail applications , but as I don't use them I can't say). Remember a genuine mail from your bank or ebay or whatever will never ask for your passwords etc or issue you with threats if you don't update your details. To be safe don't click on links in e-mails, go to the site you want by typing it into your browser.
7. Don't save passwords or personal details on your computer. If you really can't remember them then just note cryptic reminders that no one esle would understand or know. Also don't allow windows to save your passwords.
8. visit www.grc.com and do their sheilds up! test. This scans your computer for open ports and gives you a rating. Anything less than 100% stealthed (all green) is not good enough. If you get less than this score you need a firewall.

Generally speaking shopping on the net is far safer than handing over your credit card to someone who then walks off to process it. Don't get too paranoid, unless you indulge in file sharing, P2P or porn in which case you can't be paranoid enough.

Stolen from Gemmaks' blog...

ABC's of me,

A. Ambiguous
B. British
C. Clever ( or so I like to think)
D. Doughnuts mmmmnnnn.....
E. Enthusiastic
F. Freaky
G. Geeky
H. Humorous
I. Impulsive (like just spending £500 on a tent when we've never been camping as a whole family)
J. Jolly
K. Knackered (permanently)
L. Long sighted
M. Mick
N. Naughty
O. Open minded
P. Philosophical
Q. Quidditch ( I love Harry Potter)
R. Realistic
S. Short
T. Terrible (at knowing what Wifey wants)
U. Unavailable
V. Vague
W. Wild
X. the company that I work for, that shall not be named.
Y. Yikes!
Z. ZZZzz.......

Get yer motor running,
head out on the highway,
looking for adventure,
or whatever comes my way.


The bike is back on the road, MOT'd , taxed, shiny, sexy and fast (a bit like me).
Ken can shove his Oyster card up his arse and I don't care what the hairy busker musically murders anymore 'cos I won't be there to hear it.
The only good thing about using the train for a month was that I was able to catch up on some studying.
So until the snow and ice arrive I'll be on two wheels enjoying the freedom of the road and avoiding myopic pillocks in cars.

I'm getting really fed up on the train now

• front brake seals - Done
• front brake pads - Done
• brake light switch -Done
• oil and filter change - Done
• Spark plugs - Done
• rear Chain sprocket - Done
• rear brake pads - seized beyond belief into the calipers and utterly impossible to be replaced (by me anyway)
• BUGGER!

So I'm currently stuffed as the bike won't pass the MOT without the brake pads being changed and I can't get the little buggers out. So I have asked a mechanic I know who does private jobs at home to look at it this weekend. I've still got the front sprocket and chain to do and hopefully I'll get these done tonight after work.

At least the Hairy Busker hasn't been around this week.

computer says no...
On Monday I phoned the local bike shop to find out if they had any brake seals (which I discovered I needed on Sunday)

Me: "have you got brake seals for a 2001 SV650s?"

Shop bloke:"I'll look it up on the computer *pause*, yes the computer says we have them"
me: "ta, I'll pop in later in the week"

So on tuesday before going to work I pop into the bike shop,

Me: "I phoned yesterday about some brake seals for a 2001 SV650s"

shop bloke1: *wiggles computer mouse, stares at blank screen, wiggles it again, stares at blank screen again, checks screen is turned on (it is), turns computer on* .2 mins later. "sorry we haven't got them"

me: "you had them yesterday"

shop bloke1: "computer says no.."

shop bloke2 appears:"we have got them I had them up on the screen yesterday"

shop bloke1: "computer says no.."

shop bloke 2:" add a 1 to the part numbers, they've been superceeded"

shop bloke1:"computer says yes we have them" *goes off for parts*

shop bloke1 returns and says "er what part number was it again?" he goes off and comes back with the parts.

me: " one of the packets is open and it looks like a seal is missing"

shop bloke1 goes off again, shop bloke 2 apologises, shop bloke1 comes back. job done.

me: "hang on a minute, I'm sure the front seals are the small ones and rear is bigger so I should have 2 lots of little and one lot of large,"

shopbloke2:" no that's right what we've got here"

me:"I'm sure it's the other way, I can picture it"

shopbloke2:"no, I trust what the computer say, I have faith in the Fiche"

me:" ok, I'll soon be able to tell, I'll bring them back if it's wrong"

shopbloke2: "let me just check, *checks*, actually you're right it should be the other way round, 2 small sets and 1 large set."

shopbloke1: goes off with 1 large set and returns empty handed "haven't got any more"

shopbloke2: "computer says we have four sets"

So the end result is I'm still waiting on brake seals, I haven't re-booked the MOT (which cancelled from last tuesday due to me needing brake seals) and I'm still on the train and still listening to the hairy busker.
This morning the Hairy Busker did a half decent job on the chorus part of Layla but then seemed to drift off into an obviously drug fuelled experimental vision of what the rest of the song should sound like.

searchin' searchin' for so long..
These are recent searches that have ended up here,

policeman's blogg

photos of ha ha rd woolwich

avoiding diesel spills

kljd

centre parc, elvedon forest,

lincoln ne naked pictures

centerparc elvedon

man shot in basildon

jumping traffic lights in essex a13

Ok, diesel spills, centre parcs and the A13 I can understand. Basildon has been mentioned and I ride down north woolwich rd every day but Im pretty sure this blog has never featured any one naked from Lincoln or any "kljd"

"what was that thump noise ..."
a few weeks ago Wifey remarked that the baby hadn't fallen off the bed yet and that by this age (14mths) the other two had either fallen off the bed or down the stairs.
So Wifey has been up casualty this morning after the little fella threw himself off the bed and bashed his head causing a cut above his eyebrow.
He is fine and they glued the cut and fortunately the visit to the hospital was fairly quick, unlike the 5 or 6 hour marathons that we have had in the past.

comments are working fine now.

No Comment!
My comments are not working properly again, I have posted a request for help in the forum at enetation and hopefully they will get it sorted promptly. In the meantime you my find it works if you make you comment twice.
P.S I notice from Gemmaks site that Haloscan comments are down aswell, coincidence? or conspiracy?
I'm off to check the haloscan comments on never mind the network.

Incidently, today is my birthday. I am now 41.

Serial killer at large on the underground.
this morning another brutal murder was committed at Canary Wharf jubilee line station. The victim, believed to be the Who's Substitute, was battered to death with a guitar. The killer is thought to be the same hirsute busker responsible for the recent attrocity carried out on Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street.

While I'm on the subject of the underground, I'm getting a bit fed up with being offered free things,
"would you like a copy of the Metro?"
"no thank you"
"would you like a copy of City AM?"
"NO"
"would you like a flyer for some shit you're not interested in?"
"AAAARRRRGGGHH"

This is a belated post that I've had as a draft for 2 weeks, but I thought what the heck if I post this it'll save me thinking of anything new!

On Sunday 9th I took Big'un and group of his school friends bowling as a belated birthday party. So I had seven 6 and 7 yr old boys, one 5 yr old girl (someone's sister) and one 3 yr old boy (little'un). I had back up from Wifey and two other mums, they were in charge of talking whilst I coached the bowling. Actually it wasn't much like bowling, more like watching a rerun of the Dambusters the way the balls were bouncing down the lanes.
When it came to the end I briefly mentioned who won and glossed over the fact that Big'un came last.

what's the damage guv? ...

Rear brake pads worn excessively,
Front brake caliper binding,
Brake lever switch not working,
"In my opinion the bike is unsafe to ride due to the Chain being excessively worn ".

"Bugger "

...was my response . I'm now faced with a least another week on the train while I try to get it Sorted. The plan is to do all the work myself and carry out the long overdue service at the Same time.
This may not be as easy as it sounds even though I'm on earlies when I get in at about 4. 30 the kids demand my attention and Wifey usually has something planned for me.

Whoaaa!!!
In an effort to further upset Gemmak by posting for the 3rd time in 3 days! Check this out for a close shave. It's nothing rude or gory and it looks real to me.

Murder on the Underground.....
... committed by the busker at Canary Wharf station. He was mullering one of my all time favourite songs, Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street.
There was a different busker on the way also playing another favourite of mine Pink Floyd's wish you were here. Although much better than the other guy I don't think Dave Gilmore will feel threatened.

Breaking news update flash.
Buzz came back to work last monday and on the tuesday he went sick again. This week he is supposed to be on a course (the one I volunteered him for that nobody wanted) and as far as I know he has gone. He's due back here on thursday. We shall see.

I finally got Big'uns fish tank set up (sans fish), he got this for his birthday at the start of Sept and the pressure is on to get the fish in on saturday as he is having some school chums round as a belated birthday party ( they're going bowling first). Hopefully some of the fish will survive long enough for his friends to see.

I've had to slum it on the train today. I went to renew my bike tax yesterday and found out that my MOT had expired last week. DOH! at least the pesky scooters won't be able to annoy me for a few days.

This weekend I......

• failed to do any work on the house.
• failed to do any of the drastically overdue maintenance on my bike.
• failed to watch the MotoGP.
• saw a strange lady's naked arse.

On sunday I took Big'un and Little'un swimming. At this particular pool they have what they term a "changing village" what this means is that instead of having a changing rooms, all the cubicles are out in the open at the poolside. Anyway as I was getting our stuff from the locker to go and get dried a very attractive young black women appeared from around the lockers holding a towel in front of her with one hand. As I looked at her I thought "she looks like she's naked", then she turned round. She was naked. I SAW HER ARSE!. Presumably so did a lot of other people.

When I got home I mentioned to Wifey that she should take heed as strange ladies are resorting to blatant arse flashing in an attempt to steal her man. She said "bothered"

The following completely unfair and harsh rant has been cancelled.
I was going to rant about being held up on the way in this morning by approximately 1million London Taxis on their annual sick kids charity run, but since getting to work and being plied with tea I have calmed down a bit and the rant I was going write now seems a bit harsh. I still hate Taxi drivers though. Black cabs are the motorcyclists nemesis, they are Moriarty to my Holmes, they are Sauron to my Gandalf, they are Vader to my Obi Wan, they are Swiper the fox to my Dora the explorer. They are the sworn enemy of all honest dependable law abiding two wheeled citizens.

"guess who I had in the back off my cab the other day?"
" I don't care, piss off"

The Taxis carrying the sick kids are currently surrounding Canary Wharf and outside my building they now have a band playing

*imagines walking over to the window, opening it and shouting out "Oi turn that fucking racket down, I'm trying to blog up here!" *

What I will rant about though is scooters, but that will have to wait as I have a mountain of work piling up.

Breadwinner
After a break of over seven years Wifey starts a new job today!
Wifey is a child care professional a.k.a nusery nurse and has got a job working part time in an private nursery ina local hospital.
This may seem like a busmans holiday. Instead of being at home looking after your own kids going out and looking after someone else's kids, but the change of scenery, getting some adult conversation (she doesn't get much from me!) and just getting out of the house for something other than shopping will do her the power of good.
Hopefully this will help to halt the progress of the recognised medical condition D.W.S or Demented Wife Syndrome that she is slowly succumbing to.
The out-laws will be on duty at the beck and call of the baby and little'un.

Sick Puppy IV: The Phantom Buzz.
Buzz Lightweight has gone sick again!, but I do have a bit of sympathy for him this time because;

1. He didn't get his wife to phone in for him, he did it himself this time
2. He is off sick because he fell off his bike!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but Buzz is a biker too. He has only been riding a year and only past his full test about 3 months ago.

Apparently on the way in on friday the traffic in front of him braked "suddenly" and he braked hard and fell off. He managed to avoid hitting anything else, which was good and he wasn't really hurt, which was also good. He has injured his ankle though and will be off for at least a week.

Other News:

I managed to avoid taking the Beast next door to see Herbie: Fully loaded. I took him to see "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D" instead, as expected he was a right pain and I honestly don't think Big'un actually likes him that much.

The film was ok, Sharkboy (moody looks and kung fu moves) and Lavagirl (cheesy grin, permanently windswept hair and squirty lava) was an action packed film about hanging on to your dreams and living them out with a typically american cheesy ending.

I've finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

TTFN

I swore I would never do this again....
but in a fit of Irish/Catholic guilt Wifey has volunteered me to take the Beast from next door to the pictures tomorrow to see Herbie: Fully Loaded because he won't be going to Big'uns birthday bowling party (schoolfriends only) and Big'un went to the Beasts party.

Silly tankers.
Ok I'll admit it, I got caught up in the fever induced by yesterdays reports of panic buying, queues all over the land and the powers to be sitting in their ivory towers shouting "let them eat cake".
Yes, I panicked I rushed out to my local Tesco petrol and filled up with some bread and sausages. Well how was I to know it was only petrol? I was in a panic for chrissakes.

Tempus Fugit

"the baby" is one today !
Gone is the little new born who just gurgled and looked cute and in his place is a high speed crawling menace with a passion for tipping the bin over and putting his hands down the toilet.

One of his favorite tricks is to hang on to the bottom stair gate, thus preventing anyone coming down the stairs from being able to open the gate which means you have call out

" Help the baby is holding me hostage again ! "

Ketchup
Holiday week 1:
The plan was to do some work around the house whilst relieving wifey of some of the pressures of looking after 3 children. Due to the Beast next door's house having an extension built my plan of painting the outside of our house had to be scrapped as the building work was creating a lot of dust. So week 1 was spent basically doing nothing. (there is a large rant brewing about the building work and the Beast)

Holiday week 2: Center Parcs, Elvedon forest.

Fantastic week had by all, this was the second Center Parc's holiday that we have been on. we spent the week (5 days actually) swimming and playing games and having fun. Due to big'uns birthday being shortly after we were due back we decided to give him his main pressie, a bike, before we went. This is because the main method of transport in Center Parcs is cycling, he had two attempts at riding the new bike, both ended in tears and he hasn'r ridden it since. Little'un inherited the old bike with stabilisers but showed no interest whatsoever in wanting to ride it.
On the last day, friday, one of Big'uns best friends from school arrived for the weekend at Elvedon and we spent the day with them.

Sunday September 4th: big'uns 7th birthday.

We drove to the Isle of Dogs, walked through the foot tunnel under the Thames to Greenwich, got a cruise boat to Westminster and took a "flight" on the London Eye. The weather was hot and the sky was clear and blue, we could not have asked for a better day to do the Eye.

Big'un had a good day and enjoyed the eye, Little'un was ok but is definitely turning into a moody teenager, 3 going on 13. (a job for supernanny methinks ..... mmnnn supernanny....mmnnn)

Anyway, work to do, more later.

Out Of Office Autoreply:
I am awayfrom the office on holiday and will return to work (and blogging) on Mon 5th September.
If you require a blog to read please choose one of the excellent blogs listed a bit further down on the left.

Friday Fact #4.
I smoked up until I was 21.
When I was 18 my Dad had a heart attack, he was a 60 a day smoker, it nearly killed him. My Dad's brother had angina and between them they had a few other illness's such as lung infections and other heart problems. At age 21 I was smoking a minimum of 30 fags a day, everyday. I was heading down a road that didn't have much of a future.
"giving up smoking is easy, I've done it loads of times, Ha Ha Ha" this old line applied to me, I had tried before but never really wanted to give up.
So, why was I successful this time? what was different? well I had a real incentive, I didn't want a heart attack in my mid 30's and also I had been reading about positive mental attitude in an article in a martial arts magazine.
I officially gave up on my 21st birthday, as a present to myself, this was a Friday. On the following Sunday I had one smoke and then another on wednesday. On Thursday something happened that was really the key to my giving up.
I was driving to my Kung Fu class with a bloke called Vince who I gave a lift to,
"want a smoke Mick?" he asked
"er, erm, yeah OK" I replied "I'm actually giving up, but I'll have one anyway"
"giving up?"
"yeah" I said
" in that case you can't have one" he said coldly.
"WHAT!, come on don't fuck me about, give us a fag"
"no, if your giving up then I'm not giving you a fag"
there followed a moment of silence then Vince laughed and said "I'm just messing, here have one"
I thought about it, either I'm giving up or I'm not. Decision time.
"no" I said firmly "you can poke your fags up your arse"
I never smoked again.

"You gotta have faith"
I'm currently reading the Da Vinci code by Dan Brown, which is not a bad novel. It is an easy read that moves along at a good pace and is not too demanding and (depending on your beliefs) is based around an interesting theory.
The film of the book is currently filming in Lincoln and a nun has set up a vigil to protest against the book/film being filmed at Lincoln cathedral saying, "it is against the very essence of what we believe".
" The Da Vinci code is a load of old tosh" said the Dean of Lincoln cathedral, after accepting a donation of £100,000 to allow filming in the church. He obviously belongs to a different church to the nun, the church of filthy lucre.

Of course you could say that the Bible is a load of old tosh aswell and all of this plays nicely into the hands of the conspiracy theorists who claim the Church tried to cover it all up and discredit the theories, not to mention a nice slice of publicity.

I just updated my blog roll to include some of the excellent blogs I discovered whilst following Big Blogger 2005.
Some of the Blog mates I had read before but there were a lot that were new to me.
I'm off to read them now.

Like Kryptonite to Superman
is what diesel on the road is to Bikers.
There is a serious diesel spill on the route from the A13 down through royal docks road and royal albert way past UeL and city airport.
I was lucky. When I turned off the A13 at the A406 roundabout and went down royal docks road road as I leaned quite hard round the corner and went across the edge of the spill.
The bloke driving the porsche boxter wasn't so lucky further on. As I was waiting at the traffic lights half way round Gallions roundabout, Mr Boxster caned it out of woolwich manor way and off up royal albert way, I thought I heard a bit of a funny noise. The lights changed and I went off carefully avoiding the diesel and was greated by the sight of the boxter on the other carriage way in a cloud of dust and dirt where he had lost it and spun across the central reservation and hit the oppsite kerb. The driver was ok as he was out of the car and inspecting it.
I have reported this to Transport for london.
We all know that diesel spills are deadly so make sure you report any to TFL by calling the Street Faults Contact Centre on 0845 305 1234. or visit the website http://streetfaults.tfl.gov.uk/

Carry on Camping*.
What a fantastic idea! I said enthusiastically when my mate G suggested taking the kids on a camping weekend.
But as the weekend approached I started getting a bit nervous, the prospect of spending a night under canvas (it was nylon actually, but saying "spending a night under nylon" makes it sound like I went to a fetish party) was starting to get a bit scary. Alone, in the wild, just me, big'un and little'un with no support team (Wifey), it would be like a coming of age, rite of passage type thing. The kids might get something out of it aswell.
So, on Saturday myself (aged 40), Big'un (6), Little'un (3) accompanied by G (36) his two eldest boys (8 and 4) and another bloke called Fergie (43, I think) and his son (9) set off to deepest, darkest, Hertford (just off the M25 and up the A10 a bit).

The plan was simple,

• arrive.
• put tents up.
• have a BBQ.
• play games etc to wear kids out.
• throw sleeping chidren into sleeping bags.
• drink beer.
• go to bed.
• wake up.
• have brekkie.
• pack up tents.
• go home.

It all started to go awry when G's GPS led us to the wrong place (it was a typo apparently). When we arrived at the campsite I took the kids off for a toilet break while G and Fergie started to unpack the tents. As I supervised Little'un sitting on the toilet (he's just starting to get the hang off this toilet lark) I noticed that He'd managed to somehow wee on top of the seat, I realised that the angle of the dangle had been all wrong and Little'un had overshot the seat and wee'd straight into his pants. Disaster! I thought, we've only been here 5 minutes and already I'm involved in a toilet incident, all my worst fears were coming true. We returned safely to the pitch, with Little'un going commando.

Surely nothing else could go wrong? but bad things always come in 3's and the worst possible thing you could imagine happened. Yes that's right, one of the throwaway BBQ's didn't light! (we had to throw it away) and the fish fingers got burned. ( in case you're wondering why we would cook fish fingers on a barbie, it's because G's kids are veggie). By 9.00 saturday night it looked like the kid's would be putting the adults to bed as they were still going strong and we were shattered.

The rest of the trip went just fine and the kids had a great time. We went swimming at the Lea Valley Leisure Pool on the way home and later on sunday G and I took 3 of the kids to see the Fantastic Four. (3 film reviews coming soon).

This week I'm off on a training course for 2 day's so Wifey will be home alone, with 3 children for 2 nights, while I'm getting pissed, whoops I meant to say studying and stuff.

* much to our dissapointment a young Barbara windsor looky likey and a coachload of young ladies completely failed to arrive and start exercising in their bikini's. I feel cheated.

This has just been mailed to me at work from someone in the bikers mail group,

http://www.unityride.co.uk/

If you get a chance you should also visit

http://www.werenotafraid.com/

a tough call to make.
2 weeks after the event described below it has been established that the man shot was not a suspected terrorist. He was a Brazilian man who had no terrorist connections.
Although details are still cloudy it appears that he came out of some flats being watched by the police, wearing a rucksack and walked into stockwell tube station. When he was approached by the police he ran into the station and down to the platform and onto a train at which point he was shot. It remains unclear as to why he ran when challenged by the police.
What worries me about the quote in the post below is that it sounds like an execution, and some people are likely to call the for police involved to be charged.
There are many victims from this event and apart from the obvious ones, don't forget about the people on the train, who saw a man shot 7 times in the head right in front of them. They will never forget this.
The policeman and his family will be deeply affected by this and should also be remembered.
Now let's look at the event and the policeman's choices,

1. a man, of foreign appearance, leaves a building thought to house terrorists
2. he enters a tube station on the London underground where there have been recent bombings.
3. when challenged by the police he runs towards the train.
4. The police give chase and when the suspect trips as he enters a train the policeman has to make the call. All the questions below have one thing in common, the policeman with the gun doesn't know the answer to any of them.

• why did he run?
• is this man carrying a bomb which he is about to detonate? If so I have to shoot him dead.
• if he doesn't have a bomb and I shoot him it will be a terrible mistake.
• if he does have a bomb and I don't shoot him, lots of people, including myself could die.

The risk that he was a bomber with the will to blow himself and many others was to great. The policeman made the right decision.

I have deliberately avoided the term "an innocent man" as he must have had a very good reason for running.

The Brazilian man's family are obviously deeply upset at the tragic loss of their son but I can't help viewing their apparent intentions to sue the police cynically.

There is going to be a full investigation and if the police followed their procedures correctly and the correct warnings were shouted then it was a tragic mistake, if the police procedures were not followed then they need to make damn sure this doesn't happen again, it doesn't mean the decision to shoot was wrong.

From BBC news,

"I heard a load of noise, people saying, 'Get out, get down'!

"I saw an Asian guy run onto the train hotly pursued by three plain-clothes police officers."

"One of them was carrying a black handgun - it looked like an automatic - they pushed him to the floor, bundled on top of him and unloaded five shots into him."

"I saw the gun being fired five times into the guy - he's dead."

This has just happened.

True Essex boy.
last night playing in the garden Big'un asked me
"can we play Basildon?, you know with shuttlecocks"

I said "yes of course we can play Basildon", so we went out nicked some cars and smoked crack.

The sweet smell of ...
Just before midday today I was waiting for the lift on the first floor, when it came in a bloke got out who had just been out for a run. He was dripping in sweat and looked just about dead on his feet. I got into the lift, I was now the only person in there, and it absolutely stunk of sweat and musky odours.
The lift went straight to the 7th floor, one level before mine and in got a group of about 8 attractive young ladies who I assume were fresh summer interns being shown around. Yes, in they got, 8 attractive young ladies, into a lift with just me in it, a lift that stunk of sweat and muskiness.

Friday Fact #3
My dad's father was german and my "real" family name should be Krietzer. He apparently changed his surname around the late 1930's, I wonder why.
I never knew my grandad on my dad's side, and in keeping with dad's reluctance to talk about things like this (see Friday Fact #1) I don't know any more family history than this!


*note to self, next visit to dad's make sure to bring a spotlight, a baseball bat, a chair and some rope.

Pissed off
After 3 weeks of being connected to bulldog broadband and telephone I am today looking into the options of returning to BT with my tail firmly between my legs and a large slice of humble pie in my gob.
We have had no phone all day and I have made 3 calls to Bulldog only to be told it could take 48hrs!
When this is resolved I will post the full details.

I'm old enough to know better
So on the way home last night, at gone 7 o'oclock, going down royal albert way along side city airport I caught up with 3 sports bikes who were out for a ride and having a bit of a race. We all stopped at some lights and as the lights went green I gave the SV a big handful and creamed all 3 of the power rangers away from the lights. I did the same again at the next set this time raising the front wheel slightly. We are now sitting at the lights at the roundabout that is the junction of the A13 and the start of the A406 (north circular road)I come this way most days and know that cars are prone to jumping these lights. The lights go green the power rangers all fly off but I don't 'cos I was watching the pillock in the merc who went straight through the red light. The sports bikers all made it across safely but as I was on the right at the lights had I caned across on the green light the merc pillock probably would have flattened me.
Anyway, the red ranger and his gang hooned off up the A406 and I went down onto the A13 only to find a humongous jam caused by the fact the Police had the underpass at Barking closed off. I filtered through to the front of the slip road and stopped at more bloody lights. To go straight on here you have to cross the carriage way running across, right in the middle is a bump which I have wheelied over once or twice. The lights changed almost immediately and as I pulled away I spotted the bump, so still feeling a bit frisky from the tear up with the sports bikes I thought I'd pop a little wheelie and thus gave it a big handful. Unfortunately I was still first gear and as I went over the bump the front shot up, the tank hit me in the chest and I shit myself (not literally), I backed off the throttle which caused the front of the bike to slam down on the road and my knackers to slam into the petrol tank!
I rode off up the A13 nervously laughing out loud to myself.

Terror will not destroy our society
.. nor our way of life
.. nor our freedom
.. nor our country
2 days ago 4 bombs went of in central London, 3 on the underground and 1 on a bus. So far it has been confirmed that 49 people lost their lives but there are still unrecovered bodies in the tube tunnels, I suspect the toll will rise to nearer 100.

I had taken 2 days off to do some cabling etc for the father in law who has recently retired from working at the British where he commuted to kings Cross every day. Kings Cross was one of the bomb sites.
Canary Wharf, where I work was largely unaffected apart from being closed to traffic and the obvious transport disruptions.
My firm has engineers working all across London and I have just read an e-mail from the Boss saying that there were a few near misses but nothing worse.
I am sitting here, at work, and it is very quite and I feel for the victims, their families and the survivors who will be haunted by the terrible things they have seen.
Terrorism can never win.

Just over 11 years ago my mate RBS rang me to ask a favour.
"Give us a hand knocking my front wall down and I'll buy you a beer.". Two whacks of a sledgehammer later and we were in the Barking Dog, in Barking. It was 1 o'clock.
At roughly 9 o'clock RBS (who was, and still is, married) had his arms around two girls and he was telling one of them what lovely breasts she had and I was hanging on to a pillar looking extremely worse for wear.
The two girls were joined by another two who had been at the bar. One of them, a rather saucy looking red head, said to me "you look like you're about to be sick"
Three years later, on july 5th 1997 we got married. That makes today my eighth wedding anniversary!

On autopilot
I found myself staring blankly at the buttons in the lift, what floor was I going to?. Then it dawned on me I wasn't going to any floor, I wasn't even supposed to be in the lift. I was actually going to get a cup of tea which doesn't involve going near the lifts at all.
What was I doing in the lift? how did I get there? what happened in the time in between leaving the safety of the printroom and finding myself in the claustrophobic prison cell that is the lift?.
I had no memory of anything since I left my desk.
well it was ten past seven in the morning.

Friday Fact #2
Since leaving school at age 16 I have only had 2 proper jobs, but I've done them both twice!

It's always meme(me)
In the last month or so I've been batonned, tagged, bagged, bludgeoned and buggered with these meme things so I thought it was about time I actually posted one.
I think this is the one that Grocerjack sent me. I can't find the one from Gemmak so I'll have to have a look for it.

The total volume of music on my computer: I don't have any music on my PC, but I've got Odelay by Beck, Page and Plant unledded and a couple of old AD/DC tracks on my PDA.

The last CD I bought was:
Keane, Hopes and Fears - I bought this for Wifey on valentines day (I didn't get a shag though).

Five songs I listen to a lot or mean a lot to me:
Baker Street, Gerry Rafferty: the sax blows my socks off every time I hear it.

Suspicious minds, fine young cannibals version: This is a great song the way it builds to a climax is fantastic.

Planet Clare, The B52's: When I was a lad me and my former best friend, W, owned a speed boat and used to go waterskiing every weekend and this was our skiing song. It brings back memories of lazy carefree summer days, enjoying the freedom, ogling anyone in a bikini and hurtling up and down the River Crouch pissing off all the yachties.

Comfortably numb, Pink Floyd: The song I want played at my funeral.

sweetest feeling, jacky wilson: had this played at my wedding it reminds of how much I love wifey and the fact that her smile brightens my day

extra songs worth a mention:
added this myself as there are so many songs I'd list as favourites

reward, teardrop explodes

shine on you crazy diamond. pink floyd

celebrity hitlist, terrorvision

sympathy for the devil, rolling stones

californication, red hot chilli peppers

under the bridge, red hot chilli peppers

jump around, house of pain

mysterious ways, U2



The last 5 films I watched:
most recent first,

Sin City - fantastic, brutal, gory, like pulp fiction and kill bill in one (but not as good as kill bill)

Star wars epIII- great ending to the worlds most famous space opera.

star wars ep II- pysching up for epIII

Hitch hikers guide- sadly disappointing, BBC TV series was better (through my rose tinted memory glasses)

Star wars epI- the build up to epIII begins.


5 TV programmes I never miss:
actually I'm going to change the name of this one to 5 TV programmes I'd like to watch but usually miss,
Dr Who - can't wait for the next series. I hope that new bloke is as good as Eccleston. That's about it actually I don't really watch much telly, I really would have liked to have seen the last 2 seasons of X-files as I stuck with it for so long it would have nice to find out what the fuck was actually going on. Also 24,that looked good but I've never seen a single episode.

Who am I passing this onto?
no one actually, I think it's a bit like spamming or chain letters or pyramid schemes and also all the other blogs I regularly have been batonned / tagged already.

The superhero / comic related one I got from smidsy is much more up my street and will be posted soon.

p.s I haven't actually been buggered lately or at any time.

Hello Hello
Twickenham sat 18th june was the 4th time I've seen U2, for Wifey it was the 17th time. Wifey likes U2.
Not a bad gig, the set wasn't my favourite out of the times I've seen them but it was technically spectacular (but if you want to see a real light show you need to see Pink Floyd, if they ever tour again.)
There was only one real problem and that was the sound. It was terrible. I don't believe it was the sound system at fault but a peculiarity of where we were seated at rear right corner on the middle level. The sound reflections bouncing around caused an almost unbearable "white noise" effect to be heard over the music.
The best songs for me were,
vertigo
elevation
still haven't found what I'm looking for
Pride (Wifey's all time fave song)
Bullet the blue sky (my fave live song, wifey doesn't like it. Hah what does she know?)
City of blinding lights.


"swaying to the music,
swaying to the music,
whoa wa whoa wa whoa"

No comment
my comments have been buggered for the last week or so but they are apparently working again now.
I've used Enetation for the comments on this site since I started it (2003 and have never had any probs until now, my comments have gone down twice in the last month.
Both times I have politely asked enetation's support to have a look for me and they have and fixed them. What surprises me though is how rude other people on the support forum can be, demanding results and being abusive and obviously forgetting that it's a free service run by a couple of people with lots of users. Have a bit of patience please.
Anyone who wanted to leave comments recently may now do so, if they still want to.

Darwin Awards
#1
Yesterday afternoon I was working away on a printroom production colour machine next to where one of the printroom messengers sits. I had this huge printer in bits, my arms up its innards James Heriot style, whilst wearing my "stylish" uniform with the company logo splashed across it. I suddenly noticed the messenger was staring at me, he said
"so, like, do you fix printers and that for a living?"
what I actually replied was
"yes"
what I really wanted to reply was,
"no, actually I just do this for fun on my days off from my other jobs as a brain surgeon and part time rocket scientist".
#2
After a hard day dealing with people like the above I was in the process of unlocking my bike when a *spits* scooter comes along, drives up the ramp to the parking area and stops right in the middle of the entrance and starts to walk off
"Oi oi oi" I shouted, politely, "you're blocking the entrance there mate"
"?" scooter boy looks blankly at me (actually he wasn't a scooter boy he was a young man typical of the overpaid, under-common-sensed ex student workers round here)
"look, you've parked right in the middle of the entrance completely blocking it"
"what" responds the bloke
"there's the ramp you've just riden up" I say whilst gesturing wildly at the ramp "and here's the entrance and you've stopped right in the middle of it blocking anyone else's exit"
At which point he flies off the handle "Im in a really bad mood, I've been driving around for ages looking for somewhere to park, I can undestand the concept of what you're saying I've never parked here before and I didn't know the ettiquette".
Two things struck me about this outburst, one, he said "driving" not "riding" an air of smug superiority descended upon me. Two, he said "ettiquette" which made me think two things posh and ponce. Posh ponce.
Whilst still ranting about completely blocking the entrance being a massive exaggeration he started to move his scooter away from me, I said "hang on fella, you've only got to move it over a bit".

Friday Facts #1
Rather than do one of those "100 things about me" type things and inspired by the Friday's feast thing that Gemmak does I thought I would combine the two ideas so here is Friday Facts #1.

My mum died when I was 7, but for years I thought I was 5.
She died of cancer, apparently triggered by a car accident that she and my dad were in.
My dad for whatever reason brought up my brother and I without ever discussing mum and for years we didn't even know where she was buried.
It was only after my Nan died that Dad decided we should know.
Wifey, being a bit morbid (Irish catholic families are apparently all a bit morbid) kept asking why I had never wanted to know or visit her grave and to be truthful I don’t know why I never asked. Dad never really talked about her and neither did my brother or I.
After much nagging from Wifey I visited her grave and was shocked to find out that I was 7 when she died and not 5 as I had always thought (approx 25yrs).
To this day I still don't know any real details and I have very few memories of her.
I've only visited her grave a couple of times and wifey thinks this is strange as in Ireland they are completely obsessed with dying and even announce any local deaths on the radio (saturday afternoons on Galway fm, if I remember correctly).
I always said that I was not bothered about talking about my mum, but finding out I was 2 years older than I thought when she died obviously shocked me a bit and now I wonder if the fact I have no real memory of mum is due to the fact that dad didn't keep her memory alive by talking about her. I also wonder if that is why I don't feel close to dad.
This post was only supposed to be the first paragraph.

watch out!!
the mums are on the lash.
Wifey is going out with "the mums" tonight. So after I've done all my chores and put the kids to bed I shall settle down to watch the missing 2 part Dr Who story which I've borrowed.
Although in reality I'll probably see about 10 mins before the baby wakes and then when I eventually get him back to sleep I'll fall asleep until Wifey comes in, takes one look at dr who on the telly and say's
"I'm not watching this shit"

Sick Puppy: Episode III Revenge of the Sick.
After me commenting previously how healthy Cap'n Bob is, wouldn't you know it he went sick today. Not normally too much of a prob but Buzz Lightweight* is on holiday.
I went to get Fishboy to come in to assist me and fortunately it wasn't to busy.
I don't know exactly what is up with Cap'n Bob, I can only imagine that he was out on his boat at the weekend and slipped up and spliced his mainbrace or ruptured his spinaker or some nautical injury.

*Last week we all went out for a team meal (curry and beer, we're sooo sophisticated) anyway I was talking with someone from the office and I might have mentioned the Big blogger thing, which means if they go there and read comments etc they could possibly find their way here. As a result of this I have edited the previous sick puppy posts and my cast list as Buzz Lightweight's original nick name on this blog made him to easily identifiable.

Yip e Kye Ay Motherfrogger
Someone e-mailed a picture of that pesky frog with a noose around it's neck. That's outrageous I thought, that frog deserves to suffer way more than that.
So having a basic knowledge of Photoshop I enhanced it a bit...


How do like them apples Froggy, eh who's crazy now
MWHUHAHAHAHAHAHAH...

you decide!
Watski has started big blogger 1.
I can't believed such a good idea hasn't been thought of before.
He asked for bloggers to be nominated for participation so I nominated the girl with a one track mind to add a bit sauciness to big blogger. Actually I must add girl to my links, although I must say I find it difficult to read her blog at work as I usaully find I can't leave my desk for 5 minutes afterwards for fear of ,er, "embarrassment".