Why can't people just admit it when they've made a mistake.....

... instead of arguing the toss or coming up with some lame excuse.

Wednesday night on returning to my trusty steed I found that the entrance / exit to the bike parking area was blocked by a big BMW1150GS (which is a pretty big bike) equipped with a full set of panniers, it couldn't have taken up more room if it tried. At five o clock the bike park is still pretty solid and, due to the inconsiderate parking of some people, sometimes difficult to get out of.
As I walked to my bike thinking "what kind of twat parks like that?" I spotted a bloke walking towards me, tall square jawed with designer stubble and exactly that kind of twat look about him. When he reached the BMW I said
"are you going mate?"
"yeah"
"Ok, great, it just that you have blocked the entrance" he had a quick look around and said
"oh yeah? How do you determine that?"
" because that's where the pavement is lowered"
"what about over there" he said pointing at a space between bikes.
"that's just where someone has left" I replied getting a bit tetchy now
"and this is where the pavement is lowered, look"
he made a sort of hurumph noise and continued to sort himself out before riding off.
What would have so difficult in saying "oh sorry I've never parked here before and I didn't realise"
The last time this happened a bloke (on a scooter, spit) pulled up and parked in the entrance as I was unlocking my bike, when I pointed out the error of his ways he had a big rant at me and started blaming me for his bad day, saying that I was exaggerating about him "completely blocking the entrance" even though it was clear that an underweight piece of string would have had trouble getting out.
Both these blokes are typical of the overpaid chinless wonders who populate Canary Wharf who don't usually have two atoms of common sense to rub together.

It's a bit Mickey Mouse.

Disney's Magic Kingdom.

You may be tempted to hum the Addams Family theme when looking at this photo. Don't.

The boy at the front, in blue, is not one of ours.

So off we went to Florida with our friends G and D and their 3 boys. 4 adults, six kids (all boys). Chaos was inevitable.

This holiday has been planned for over a year and for the last 6 months or so D has been planning our itinery which we were happy to let her do as it saved us the bother. Now, in retrospect, we have realised that she is a bit of a control freak and it was more about her having control than it was about anything else. Anyway with the help of D's itinery there follows a brief summary of the holiday. The planning was done with the aid of the Brit's guide to Orlando which I can't recommend highly enough, if you're going to florida this book is a must.

Fri 31st March - Travelling.

We flew with British Airways, we were able to check in online before going ( I imagine that other airlines offer this aswell) this saved the usual queuing and arguing over seats palaver at the airport and comes highly recommended. The flight was fine, getting through Orlando airport was a bit of a trial though. It took 3 hours after we landed to actually get on our way, most of this was down to the car hire (most which was all pre-booked) but it takes a long time to get through security, passport control, collecting luggage and then handing it back again, collecting it once more, finger print scanning, anal probes, customs blah blah blah. after a long day we arrived at the villa.

Saturday - Disney's Animal Kingdom.

This was one of the places I was looking forward to as it was being built the last time I was in Florida (on honeymoon). Myself, Big'un, G and his eldest boy R did the new roller coaster, expedition everest. This was big'uns first proper roller coaster. He looked absolutely terrified all the way through. When we got off R started saying how excellent and cool the ride was so big'un started giving it the big one "yeah that was way cool, can we do it again, this is my favourite place". He didn't do any other coasters in the whole two weeks!

Sunday- Epcot.

As Big'un's pokemon obsession is still going strong when we told him that the Epcot centre world showcase had a Japan section he immediately said "will they sell Pokemon?" " I doubt it" I replied "it'll sell souveneirs and clothes and stuff like that" anyway you guessed it, the shop had a few bits of traditional Japanese stuff and the worlds supply of Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, Power Rangers etc.

Mon- Blizzard beach water park and Disney MGM studios.

I love water parks and MGM is really good but we didn't spend a enough time in either.

Tues- We did an airboat ride.

Airboats are those flat things with a gi-normous fan on the back that you see on the telly hurtling around the eveglades in a very exciting fashion. The actual experience was somewhat underwhelming as we spent most of the time barely moving looking for 'gators (we didn't see any). I wouldn't recommend it.

In the afternoon we went to Seaworld. Seaworld now has a big fuck off roller coaster called Kraken. G and R and myself went off to do it but R was knocked back because he was a gnat's cock shorter that the height restriction. Ten minutes later, after a couple of park maps had been neatly folded and put into his shoes, we were in the queue. We got the front row, oh my god!

Wed - Kennedy space centre.

Me, Big'un, G and his two eldest boys went to Kennedy while the ladies and young'uns went shopping in Downtown Disney marketplace. Kennedy was good but the tour we did was a bit wasted on the boys.

Thurs - Universal Islands of Adventure.

Another park that was new to me and boy was it good. We started off with a character breakfast where we met Spiderman, Cat in the hat and thing 1 and thing 2. As Spiderman appeared at the side of Big'un he burst into tears, we thought spiderman had scared him a bit by sneaking up but it turned out Big'un had forgotten his autograph book and was upset that he wouldn't get Spidermans. We managed to calm him by suggesting that Spiderman signed a park map . The Suess Landing area was fantastic, constructed exactly like in Dr Seuss books. The Lost Continent island was incredible, with huge sculptures and architechure. We did a "ride" called "Poseidons Fury" which featured lots of noise and huge projections on to water, it was very loud, very scary, very wet, it was fantastic. It also scared the shite out of most of the kids.

For me the best part was Marvel super Hero island. I was in nerd heaven. We met characters from the X-men, Captain america, we did the spiderman 3d ride, they had a comic shop. I touched my inner nerd, and he was warm.

Fri - Universal studios.

Universal use the the timescales as London Underground / British Rail for calculating their queue times which are roughly one and a half times longer than stated.

Sat- Magic kingdom.

Summed up in one word. Packed. Absolutely-feckin-rammed. The biggest disappointment of the holiday for Wifey was that she didn't get to do the Small World ride. We did get Mickey Mouse's autograph though.

Sun- Shopping

We went went shopping while the others went to Discovery cove to Swim with dolphins.

Mon - Typhoon Lagoon and return to Universal.

Typhoon Lagoon is the other Disney water park which is themed like a desert island.

Tue- Left the villa to spend 3 nights in Clearwater Beach on th Florida's Gulf Coast visiting busch Gardens on the way.

At Busch Gardens I did the Shiekra coaster which features a 200ft vertical drop, which they hang you over and pause before letting you plummet towards certain death. Once again we had the front row, this was truly scary.

The idea of going to the beach for a few days was not ours, we are not beach people, in fact I can't imagine anything more boring than just lying on a beach while the sun damages your skin.

Anyway we just went with the flow and although it seemed a nice idea on paper the reality was a bit different. Clearwater Beach itself was a bit dissapointing and the Hotel was rank. The rooms smelt of B.O which came from the air con and the place itself was grotty. Next door to the hotel was a bar which had a sign outside proudly proclaiming "live music from 2pm to 2am" and didn't we know it!

It wasn't bad enough to spoil the holiday but I certainly wouldn't do the " few days on the coast" thing again, why go to the most magical place on earth only to spend time around a pool or on the beach. If you're thinking of going to Florida and want a few days of "theme park relief" then plan them throughout the holiday rather than in one go at the end.

Sat 15th April - arrived home needing a holiday.

Back in Blighty.
Oh well, back to the old grindstone. The holiday was fantastic, the kids had a great time and so did the adults.
On the return flight Wifey and I were witnesses to a mild air rage incident where a steward was accused of being rude by a man who was shouting at him. The steward had pointed out to the mans wife that she should use the toilets at the rear of the plane and not the ones in business class. We had to fill in a report because the incident happened right in front of us and the man insisted that it was taken further. The steward wasn't rude to the lady at all and when he directed her to the correct toilets she said "oh sor-ry" in a very sarcastic and childish manner. The man was a great big fat pig with a very aggressive manner.
It's funny (not) how quite often people who are in the wrong become aggressive and threatening when trying to get what they want. You get loads of examples of this if you watch Airline on telly, which is a fly on the wall series about Easyjet airline. The one incident that sticks in my mind was when a "businessman" and his wife were refused to fly because for some reason that was entirely his fault ( I think it might have been that they had a pet that hadn't been quarantined). The "businessman"went on to blame the airline, shout at them, argue and generally make a right prat of himself on national TV but what did it for me was when the easyjet person pointed out that were they to let him fly, the plane could be refused to land and sent back and he would be liable for the cost of the fuel, about £10,000.Too which he replied in a very matter of fact way "I'll pay that, no problem, I'll pay for for the fuel" as if he expected Easyjet to change their minds and say "der, yeah, okay". Easyjet is a cheap bargain bucket no frills airline if this man honestly expected anyone to believe that he had 10 grand just lying around why the fuck wasn't he traveling first class on British Airways.

Riding the SV along the A13 this morning, just pootling along in the middle lane minding my own business when a nob in a Volvo moves into my lane, without looking, without indicating and without caring about the fact that there happens to be a bloke on a motorbike (me) occupying the space he was about to enter. I beeped him and accelerated a bit to get in front, he looked out of his side window and began sticking his fingers up and swearing ( it's amazing what you can lip read) with a look of pure hatred on his face. What a pillock, he was completly in the wrong.
As I rode past I shook my head and gave him the all powerful wanker sign at which point he beeped back at me and started to try and drive up behind me so I went between two cars and left him to stew in his own anger.

Anyway, full holiday review coming before the end of the week. Honest.

Intermission




Right then I'm off to Florida. Back on april 15th

4 adults and 6 kids, this isn't going to be a relaxing holiday.


In the meantime please read one of the far more interesting blogs listed in the sidebar under the heading Pearls of wisdom, go on just pick one you've never visited before, who knows where you'll end up.

Lush
Last week Wifey went out on the lash twice! On friday she went out with the mums for a meal and on wednesday the bossman at the nusery where she works took out all the staff for a meal to say thank you for all their hard work.
One man and seventeen women and guess what they talked about all night? ...... yes, SEX!
Poor bloke must have been like a frightened rabbit caught in a car's headlights.

It's life Gym, but not as we know it

Buzz Lightweight has got a new obsession, he now treats his body as a temple and has joined the on-site gym .He goes 3 times a week. In order to change himself into Buff Lightweight, Buzz has become a gym bunny.
The only problem with this is that he keeps disappearing to the gym, without telling anyone, when he should be working.
I can't go into much detail because it's a work thing but it reached a head last week when he came back from the gym and then sat on his arse for 3/4 of an hour when there was work outstanding.
I had a go at him, in the printroom, out loud, in front of everyone.
He said "hold on, lets have this conversation in private" I was on a roll, I said "no" and carried on listing his faults.
A bit later on he confronted me for round 2, I offered him a compromise which he thought was fair and far as I was concerned the issue was dealt with and closed. Buzz apparently thought different.
Buzz has some difficulties in his home life and he said that going to the gym helped him to relieve the stress he had been under. This is fair enough and I'm glad I don't have the same problems he has got but I just felt that in a close working enviroment you have got to be flexible and work with a bit of give and take and he was taking too much. Going to the gym is not something that I would do during the working day, even if I did claim it was my lunchbreak.
He called me aside on wednesday and stated that he had thought I went way over the top and it was so unfair and nobody likes me ,everybody hates me, I'm going to go and eat worms. He also took the opportunity to kindly remind me that my role in the site as unofficial lead engineer does not mean I'm in charge and that I'm just the same as him (I wanted to say "I am not the same as you!", but I bit my tongue and held it in) and that I am just a liason for the client.
I'm not sure if he was expecting an apology or not but he didn't get one.
Yesterday I arrive at work on late shift to be told by Cap'n Bob that Buzz has gone sick and once again his wife phoned in for him. This is, I think, the 5th time he has been off sick in the 18 months that he has worked here. In early February I had one and a half days off sick, this was the first sick time I have had for at least 3 years.

Buzz repairing a copier earlier in the week

He was off again today which means he won't be in tomorrow for the overtime he was so desperate for when he came here.

Halle-fecking-lujah
This weekend was the firms annual do. Wifey and I went to the very nice Ashford International Hotel for a dirty weekend, sorry I meant dinner dance.
The format was the same as usual, you pay a small contribution, you get a night in a posh hotel, dinner, drinks, a raffle, breakfast and a headache.
If any one should happen to recall my post last year you may remember that I am only slightly bitter and twisted about the fact that we have never won a thing in the raffle. Not a fucking sausage, when some people seem to win every year. Bastards.
The raffle prizes range from small items like playstations, pamper days, dvd players up to bigger items like Hifi systems, adventure days and the big daddy prize this year was a 32" LCD telly. They also have a couple of small table prizes which are not part of the main raffle. Last year I won a cheapo MP3 player as the table prize, this was the only thing I'd ever won in about ten years of going.

The raffle started, a few small prizes went, one of the pamper days was the next prize, we didnt want it, we didn't win it Pheww close escape. Next prize up was a playstation with games, we wanted it, we didn't get it. A few more prizes went, Fishboy won a slimline dvd player. Bastard. Bazza won a Sony DAB radio mini system mp3 hifi. Utter Bastard. Next up was a Tassimo coffee making gizmo, the Big boss calls out "I don't believe, it's gone to a site engineer who's probably drunk more cofee that the rest of us put together, it s Mick ......" YYYYesss, get in!
I strolled up to get my prize, soaking up the applause, and made some witty comment about does it make doughnuts aswell.
Now I didn't particularly want a coffee maker, it was too big for our kitchen but I was chuffed to buggery to actually win something. Bazza asked if we wanted to swap his HiFi for the coffee making gizmo ( He wanted to give it to his mum for mothers day) seeing as we currently didn't have a Hifi we said yes.
The raffle is usually drawn using peoples name tags for the seating arrangements but this year for the main prize (the LCD TV) they adopted a different approach. The final winner was to be found by playing heads and tails. This involved everybody standing and putting their hands on their heads or their arses then one of the managers flipped a coin, if it was heads then all the tails went out and vice versa.
I started on heads, the coin was flipped heads it was. A few people sat down. I looked around and saw that most people had chosen heads for the second round so I choose tails. The coin was flipped, spinning high into the air, and then slapped onto the back of the callers hand. Tails. Now there was less than 15 people left, Fishboy was the only other person on our table, he choose heads, so did I. Suddenly Fishboy's wife turned round and said to me "you should choose something different so our table has more chance" I replied with something along the lines of "it's every man for themselves" but the damage was done. Stay the same or change to tails? the dilema was raging in my head, the caller was about to toss the coin AAARRRGHHH what do I do? right at the last minute I changed to tails. The coin sailed into the air the caller caught it and shouted out "heads". Bollocks.
The remaining 5 people were all called out the front and two tosses later the 32" LCD tv went to the girlfriend of one of the ex-apprentices. lucky cow.

Overall it was a good function, the venue was one of the best I've been to and it was nice to have a break from the kids (especially for Wifey) and best of all we actually won something.

Customer Service

my broadband connection has been running a bit slow for some time now and I have been meaning to phone Bulldog's support line for ages but just haven't got round to it. Last Wednesday (1st march) I did get round to it. They answered the phone quickly and the support guy was very helpful and told me a few things to try but said that he couldn't log the call as their system was down and suggested that I phone back later. I decided to e-mail the tech support my problem as I was to busy to fanny about phoning up.
One of the things the oringinal support guy suggested was that as my broadband router was plugged into a phone extension socket I should unplug it and plug it into the BT master socket to see if the problem is caused by a bad conncetion in the house, fair enough I thought, but not so easy to implement. My broadband router is connected to the PC with a network patch cable, the PC is in the extension at the far back of the house, the BT master socket is in the hallway near the front of the house. Due to my neverending networking studies I have 4 PC's, a couple of hubs, a Cisco router and a Cisco switch all piled up on a wall unit type thing. Moving one of these to the hallway was not an option. so I needed either a long phone line, I haven't got one, or a long patch cable so I only need move the broadband router, I haven't got one of these either but I know a man who does.
So yesterday I manage to borrow the cable which I'll be trying out tonight and also yestreday I finally got a reply to my e-mail from bulldog support over a week after I sent it. It said I should phone tech support!

Harvey.
Early in 1991 my then girlfriend and I bought a dog. We had decided to get one from Battersea Dogs Home. We didn't, instead we drove to Wales and bought a liver spotted Dalmation.
We had been planning it for ages and had already decided on a name, Lung. Yes you read that right the dog was to be called Lung. We could not think of a name beforehand and so as a joke I said "I'll flip through the dictionary and jab my finger and what ever word I land on is what we'll call the dog" I landed on Lung and it kind of stuck.
When we saw him we thought he doesn't really look like a Lung so another name was needed. The dogs dad was called Harry and I really liked that, it was so different from the usual Rex, Fido or Spot. So I thought about it and decided on Harvey.
The Girlfriend left, Harvey stayed.
Around 1996 I had met Wifey and we were buying a house in South Ockendon, my current house in Barking was in a safe little haven and I used to leave the back door open so Harvey could wander in and out and not shred the funiture (which he did if I locked him in). In the new house this wouldn't be possible and so it became clear that I could no longer look after Harvey without either locking him in or locking him out. This was not fair to him and I wouldn't do it.
Whenever I visited my Dad and stepmum I always took Harvey with me and they absolutely loved him. I agonised over asking dad if they wanted to look after him as he already had to look after my stepmum who is crippled with MS. He said yes without thinking.
Since then Harvey brought so much happiness to my Dad I knew I had made the right decision and realised that Harvey was so much better off with them than he had ever been with me.
Harvey provided much needed relief from the stress of looking after a demanding woman in a wheelchair.
Harvey was always a bit of a lively dog and was always enthusiastic when meeting people, at age 15 he still wanted to behave like a puppy but his body could no longer keep up. In the last few years he had become increasingly less agile and sufferered from arthritis aswell as a few other illness's.
On Monday Dad phoned me to say that Harvey hadn't been well and that he had taken him to the vets and Harvey had been kept in.
Harvey, the only pet I've ever owned, the most lovable cheeky fella and cause of much chaos was put to sleep on wednesday.

Harvey when he was little.

Fist of Fury

Big'un had his third Wing Chun kung Fu grading last Saturday and did very well, we'll find out if he past in another week or so.
Leading up to this I told him that he needed to do some practice as he hadn't been to classes for over a week due to illness. The phrase "be careful what you wish for" has never been truer.
On Monday when Wifey took Big'un to School Wifey was approached by the mum of big'uns best friend who asked
"did Big'un tell you about the incident on Friday?"
"no?" replied Wifey.
Apparently during a game with two other boys, whom I'll name Karate Kid (he does Karate you see) and Psycho (he's a bit odd you see) there was an incident where the Karate kid punched Best Friend in the stomach at which point Big'un "did some Kung Fu" on the Karate Kid.
I remind you that Big'un is aged 7.
Wifey and I both asked him about "the incident" separately. I stressed to him that I wasn't cross and this is the reason he does Kung Fu and sticking up for his friend was very honourable.
Big'un told me that after the Karate Kid punched Best friend, the Karate kid tried to punch him and he blocked it using Bong Sau (wing arm block)* then KK tried to pull his hair and that was the end of it as the dinner lady broke it up.
It is just like the plot of Fist of Fury with the Karate school verses the Kung Fu school, Fantastic!

The school playground, last Friday.

* of course the correct Wing Chun technique would have been to block and simultaneously counterpunch and then follow up with punches to the face until the opponent starts bleeding and stops moving, but I felt this would be a bit extreme for 7 year olds so I didn't point it out to Big'un :-)

Wifey was not happy....

when I told her I was going on a course (which meant staying away from home) for two weeks, one of which was school half term. In fact, not happy is somewhat of an understatement. She was mighty pissed.

The Firm's training centre is in a very nice mansion house near Reading and going on a course usually involves;

• driving up in a hire car on the Sunday night and arriving just in time to catch the bar
• spending one or two weeks pulling apart a large production printer or some such device
• putting it back together
• pulling it apart and putting back again so that it works this time
• eating a lot
• drinking a lot (for me anyway)
• burping and farting a lot
• talking a whole load of bollocks with like minded people that you have never met before.
• getting bored

But this course was different because it wasn't a hardware course it was a software course and it wasn't an engineers course it was a network support analyst's course.

The network support job is a move up that I have been working to get for a few years now and due to the fact that a couple of big obstacles have been removed from my path (they left the company) I'm in a good position and this course was a big step in the right direction. It doesn't mean I'm likely to get the job any time soon though. I really can't say much about this as it involves work and the company.

Staying at the mansion house is nice but you get a bit fed with it after a while, and having been there so many times over the years the only different thing is that the people who run the centre seem to find a new way in which they can fuck up the restaurant arrangements.

room with a view

On the return journey for the second week I got stuck in a jam on the M4 only ten minutes away from the training centre and I didn't move for two and a half hours. Listening to a Harry Potter book on CD helped to pass the time.

After a couple of hours I decided to get out of the car, stretch my legs a bit and have a wee. I was parked in the middle lane and there were two lorries on the inside, as I walked between them to the hard shoulder to empty my bladder I noticed a police car a bit further back on the hard shoulder with it's lights on full blast. Which meant that I was bathed in light. I was a bit desparate by this time so I had no choice but to turn my back and grin and bear it, as it were, and have an illuminated wazz. It wasn't long before things started moving and less than a mile up the M4 was the scene of a horrendous accident which had left two cars with the roofs cut off, one of them was covered with a tarpaulin which I assume meant it was fatal.

same room, different view

After two weeks I returned home safely, my brain swollen like a Tefal scientist with new knowledge. Despite her concerns Wifey had not gone completly insane with post traumatic childcare disorder and all three boys seemed to unharmed by the experience of having no daddy for most of two weeks.

Back at work has been busy as usual but this doesn't appear to stopped Buzz from his new obsession. He has joined the Gym.

A quick update;

I have been on a training course for the last 2 weeks and was very busy the week or so before that. I need to spend ages catching up with writing and reading blogs. hopefully by the end of this week I might have done both.

Milky Milky

With the baby being 16 months now Wifey has decided that he is no longer going to be getting draft mummy juice. Yes she has decided that enough is enough and it is time to stop breast feeding and regain possession of her thrupenny's.
I am a bit sad at the fact I will no longer be able to have a sneaky ogle every time she whips them out but, on the plus side the baby started sleeping better right from the first night.
It has been 4 days now since the breast feeding stopped and Wifey's knockers have inflated like Jordan's and become very tender. Out of the goodness of my heart I offered to vigorously massage them for her but she just said "get off you perv"


Ruby Thursday
Last night I went out on a team meal to our Local curry house the Tale of India , had a few beers and the worlds hottest chicken Jhalfrezi. We have been using the Tale of India for our team meals for about 6 six years and I highly recommend it if you happen to be in Docklands and in urgent need of a ruby.
I'm not much of a boozer and last night I had one bottle of Corona in the pub (which I managed to knock over, so only drank two thirds of it) and in the resturant I had 2 jumbo sized bottles of Cobra of which I only drank one and a half. This morning I had a bit of a headache and have felt very sluggish all day. At age 41 after two and a bit beers I'm wrecked. This is a sad state of affairs.

Celebrity Freak Show

Because I'm sad I have been watching Celebrity Big Brother. It has so far been the usual mix of minor or faded celebs (who all apparently "hate" the word celebrity) faking kindness and respect for their peers and gradually getting on eah others nerves and having a series of minor hissy fits. But on last night's programme it all got a bit nasty.
The group were given a banking task, and Preston (who?) and Chantelle (who?) as the bank directors were given special access to an exclusive club (a plush secret room with food and drink). Preston and Channy were told they had to keep it a secret.
The rest of the group were later told about the club and the fact that it was to be kept secret.
In what turned out to be a really nasty row Pete "I'm a not a gay transexual" Burns and George "saddam's bitch" Galloway ganged up on Preston and Channy for being "lying little sneaks" when they knew they were under orders to lie to win the task. The row also dragged in Dennis "I don't give shit" Rodman on the the attack and Michael "what was that splash" Barrymore came to the defence of the much younger Peston and Channy.
What this row showed to me was that George Galloway has probably destroyed his politcal career by doing this programme and Pete Burns showed that he is also ugly on the inside.

Pete Burns in the CBB house Jacuzzi yesterday

"AArrgghh please don't drag me off by my ankles to your basement dungeon, torture me, bugger me and murder me horribly"......
... was the thought that went through my mind as I looked at his wild hair and mad staring eyes.

On Sunday I had decided that I was going to wash my bike and nothing was going to stop me, not children, not Wifey, not nothing. So at about 6 o'clock in the pitch dark there I was alone in the access road /alleyway that runs behind my garage, washing my bike. The only light came from my garage and a small light on the back of the garage to help me see when I get in late.
I was suddenly aware of a large man striding purposely up the alley towards me in the darkness, he walks past me and then stops dead in his tracks and half turns around to stare back down the alley.
I casually look at him and notice his remarkable resemblence to Oddbod from Carry on Screaming. It was at this point that I started to suspect that he was a serial killer.
Oddbod continued to stare down the alley for about a minute (which believe me is a long time when you're face to face with a (potential) unhinged killer) "you alright mate?" I enquired.
He lurched forwards towards me and in a voice like a deaf person* loudly said "3 kid, throw 'tones at my house" I was taken back by the suddenness of his outburst and also by his mad staring eyes.
"no one has come down here in the last 15 minutes" I said whilst thinking "AArrgghh please don't drag me off by my ankles to your basement dungeon, torture me, bugger me and murder me horribly".
Oddbod pointed at his head and then at his arm and said something along the lines of "last time, 'it my head" and then something about his brothers arm. "oh" "er" "that's not nice is it?, I'll keep my eyes open for anyone coming this way". By this time I was convinced I'd never see my wife and children again and that I would live out my years in a dingy cellar as Oddbod's sex bitch.
Oddbod said something about the Police not being interested and then turned round and marched off up the alley. I have to say that although he was in no way threatening I was actually a bit scared. What a wuss.
After narrowly escaping death and washing the bike, safely back indoors I remarked to Wifey "oh by the way I had a run in with a mass murderer out the back of the garage" "oh" she replied feining interest as as if I was talking nonsense "would you like a cup of tea?"




*footnote: If you've ever spoken with a deaf person you'll know what I mean, but what was strange was that he appeared to hear everything I said to him!

Bluurrgghh!!


This post is dedicated to Gemmak to reinforce her choice not to have kids and to NML, whose Mum is desperate for NML to produce some grandchildren, as a warning.

Tuesday evening I got home from work at about six o'clock to find Big'un sitting on one sofa watching the Simpsons and Little'un lying on the other sofa with his head on a pillow. Wifey tells me that Little'un didn't eat much dinner and said he wanted lie down as he was tired.
Two minutes later big'un says "Daddy look" and points at Little'un being sick on the sofa. I grab Little'un, sit him up and shout to Big'un to bring me some kitchen roll. Little'un brings up a huge amount of sick which I skillfully manage to catch on a cushion ( I swear he must be like Dr Who's Tardis, bigger on the inside as he produced so much vomit) anyway Big'un returns. With one sheet of kitchen roll. Great. "GET ME SOME MORE" I scream at him while trying to prevent sick from running down the back of the sofa with my hand, he brings another two sheets and says "I'll get you some more if you need it!
Wifey had taken the Baby up for a bath, so I escorted Little'un up for a bath aswell, it wasn't until I started to clean up properly that the full horror of the situation became clear.
We have Leather sofas, we bought these deliberately as leather is easy to clean. When you lift the seat cushions off however the base and sides of the sofas are just thin material. Little'un had managed to sick the mother lode down the side of the sofa where it had run into the base.
It took me 2 hours to clean up and I had to up-end the sofa and cut open the underneath to clean out the sick.
In the meantime Wifey had bathed all 3 kids and put them all to bed. As Wifey had a friend visiting the next day we still had to tidy up, wash the floor , hoover etc, you know do all the things you only do when people are visiting. The baby woke and Wifey tried to get him back to sleep while I did the housework. At 9:30 I went out for some chips (the only cure when in times of stress) and then managed to watch Jonathan Ross' Asian Invasion on BBC4 (it was fantastic, all about extreme Japanese films, make sure you check it out next week as it's about Hong Kong cinema)
I retired to bed at 11:00 very tired. At approx 05:30 I was woken by the sound of Little'un traipsing in to our room, where he announced,
"my trousers are wet"
AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!!!.

Crimbo round up


this Christmas I,

• spent a huge amount of money on stuff for the kids, most of which they have barely shown an interest in . There's a lesson to be learnt there.
• spent a huge amount of time visiting the out-laws
• ate a huge amount of food, mainly whilst visiting the out-laws.
• drank 2 bottles of Becks. That's all. Must try harder in future.
• failed to receive Star Wars EPIII on DVD as a present. I bought it myself yesterday, Asda £9.97, bargain!
• bought Wifey the same book that she had bought me. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.
• spent approximately 3hrs with my parents. Must try harder to reduce this next year.
• failed to see the Harry Potter film
• managed to see King Kong though.
• spent 3 days at home looking after the kids being a house husband while Wifey was at work.

All in all not a bad crimbo, mostly boring family type stuff. Sadly the Gasman has apparently not been given any shirts for christmas.

I'm currently slumming it on the train as it has been snowing and snow and 2 wheels don't mix well.

Back to "normality" next week when I shall be ranting about Mondeo Man who lives opposite me and his extremely selfish parking habits.

Ode to the Gasman*
To the Gasman who lives across the road,
it is very nice that you are proud of your house and it is clearly nicer inside than my house. I know this because you like to have your living room lights on full brightness in the evening and you haven't got any curtains whatsoever.
I am also pleased that you are proud of your body and you clearly have a better physique than me. I know this because you never, ever wear a shirt and your living room is brightly lit and you haven't got any curtains.
I don't want to see these things, every single day and for god's sake man, it's December and you're prancing around bare chested in full view of everone making a exhibit of yourself, a bit like Chico.

So, please do me a favour and put the following items on your christmas list

1. some curtains
2. some shirts (or tops of any description)

Incidently, your wife could do with a new nightie as hers is looking a bit ropey.

* seventeen pounds and fifty pence. Boom Boom.

I'll get my coat.

You spin me right round baby right round
So today the washing machine repair man was visiting (in case you're wondering why someone as clearly technically minded as me is getting a man in to fix the WM, it 'cos it's still in warranty).
In my mind the day went like this;
washing machine repair man porn fantasy:
in which the role of Fifi Erotica, bored housewife will be played by Wifey (Angelina Jolie wasn't available) and the part of Ivor Stiffy, washing machine repair man will be played by me.
It is a cold wet morning in Hornchurch, Fifi is at home in her neglige when there's a knock at the door.
DingDong
Fifi "well Hello..."
Ivor "hello young lady what seems to be the trouble?"
Fifi "I'm wet"
Ivor "pardon?"
Fifi "the kitchens flooded"
Fifi and Ivor (wearing ripped jeans and a white vest, in December), go into the kitchen
Fifi "can you sort me out?"
Ivor "I'll try my hardest "
Fifi "I think my plumbing needs some attention"
Ivor "I'll just get my wrench out"
Fifi "my, that's an impressive tool"
Ivor " I just need to fiddle with your flangebolt"
Fifi "oooh matron"
The rest is best left to the imagination.

It's been a fairly quite day, and apart from arranging a service call for my washing machine (which can be read about as a comment on Gemmaks blog under the Paul English post) I've done little else. That is not to say I've had nothing to do, oh no, theres shit loads of things I could have got on with. I just didn't.
Instead, I've eaten loads of choccy biscuits, which reminds me - back in a mo' - right I'm back *wipes crumbs from mouth* I've talked a lot, I've taken the piss out of buzz Lightweight who had his hair cut off for charity over the weekend and for the last hour I've been reading blogs.
So now it's about time I got up off my fat lazy arse and did some work. Hang on, it's time to go home. Bye.