Crimbo round up


this Christmas I,

• spent a huge amount of money on stuff for the kids, most of which they have barely shown an interest in . There's a lesson to be learnt there.
• spent a huge amount of time visiting the out-laws
• ate a huge amount of food, mainly whilst visiting the out-laws.
• drank 2 bottles of Becks. That's all. Must try harder in future.
• failed to receive Star Wars EPIII on DVD as a present. I bought it myself yesterday, Asda £9.97, bargain!
• bought Wifey the same book that she had bought me. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.
• spent approximately 3hrs with my parents. Must try harder to reduce this next year.
• failed to see the Harry Potter film
• managed to see King Kong though.
• spent 3 days at home looking after the kids being a house husband while Wifey was at work.

All in all not a bad crimbo, mostly boring family type stuff. Sadly the Gasman has apparently not been given any shirts for christmas.

I'm currently slumming it on the train as it has been snowing and snow and 2 wheels don't mix well.

Back to "normality" next week when I shall be ranting about Mondeo Man who lives opposite me and his extremely selfish parking habits.

Ode to the Gasman*
To the Gasman who lives across the road,
it is very nice that you are proud of your house and it is clearly nicer inside than my house. I know this because you like to have your living room lights on full brightness in the evening and you haven't got any curtains whatsoever.
I am also pleased that you are proud of your body and you clearly have a better physique than me. I know this because you never, ever wear a shirt and your living room is brightly lit and you haven't got any curtains.
I don't want to see these things, every single day and for god's sake man, it's December and you're prancing around bare chested in full view of everone making a exhibit of yourself, a bit like Chico.

So, please do me a favour and put the following items on your christmas list

1. some curtains
2. some shirts (or tops of any description)

Incidently, your wife could do with a new nightie as hers is looking a bit ropey.

* seventeen pounds and fifty pence. Boom Boom.

I'll get my coat.

You spin me right round baby right round
So today the washing machine repair man was visiting (in case you're wondering why someone as clearly technically minded as me is getting a man in to fix the WM, it 'cos it's still in warranty).
In my mind the day went like this;
washing machine repair man porn fantasy:
in which the role of Fifi Erotica, bored housewife will be played by Wifey (Angelina Jolie wasn't available) and the part of Ivor Stiffy, washing machine repair man will be played by me.
It is a cold wet morning in Hornchurch, Fifi is at home in her neglige when there's a knock at the door.
DingDong
Fifi "well Hello..."
Ivor "hello young lady what seems to be the trouble?"
Fifi "I'm wet"
Ivor "pardon?"
Fifi "the kitchens flooded"
Fifi and Ivor (wearing ripped jeans and a white vest, in December), go into the kitchen
Fifi "can you sort me out?"
Ivor "I'll try my hardest "
Fifi "I think my plumbing needs some attention"
Ivor "I'll just get my wrench out"
Fifi "my, that's an impressive tool"
Ivor " I just need to fiddle with your flangebolt"
Fifi "oooh matron"
The rest is best left to the imagination.

It's been a fairly quite day, and apart from arranging a service call for my washing machine (which can be read about as a comment on Gemmaks blog under the Paul English post) I've done little else. That is not to say I've had nothing to do, oh no, theres shit loads of things I could have got on with. I just didn't.
Instead, I've eaten loads of choccy biscuits, which reminds me - back in a mo' - right I'm back *wipes crumbs from mouth* I've talked a lot, I've taken the piss out of buzz Lightweight who had his hair cut off for charity over the weekend and for the last hour I've been reading blogs.
So now it's about time I got up off my fat lazy arse and did some work. Hang on, it's time to go home. Bye.

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