Ode to the Gasman*
To the Gasman who lives across the road,
it is very nice that you are proud of your house and it is clearly nicer inside than my house. I know this because you like to have your living room lights on full brightness in the evening and you haven't got any curtains whatsoever.
I am also pleased that you are proud of your body and you clearly have a better physique than me. I know this because you never, ever wear a shirt and your living room is brightly lit and you haven't got any curtains.
I don't want to see these things, every single day and for god's sake man, it's December and you're prancing around bare chested in full view of everone making a exhibit of yourself, a bit like Chico.

So, please do me a favour and put the following items on your christmas list

1. some curtains
2. some shirts (or tops of any description)

Incidently, your wife could do with a new nightie as hers is looking a bit ropey.

* seventeen pounds and fifty pence. Boom Boom.

I'll get my coat.