Darwin Awards
#1
Yesterday afternoon I was working away on a printroom production colour machine next to where one of the printroom messengers sits. I had this huge printer in bits, my arms up its innards James Heriot style, whilst wearing my "stylish" uniform with the company logo splashed across it. I suddenly noticed the messenger was staring at me, he said
"so, like, do you fix printers and that for a living?"
what I actually replied was
"yes"
what I really wanted to reply was,
"no, actually I just do this for fun on my days off from my other jobs as a brain surgeon and part time rocket scientist".
#2
After a hard day dealing with people like the above I was in the process of unlocking my bike when a *spits* scooter comes along, drives up the ramp to the parking area and stops right in the middle of the entrance and starts to walk off
"Oi oi oi" I shouted, politely, "you're blocking the entrance there mate"
"?" scooter boy looks blankly at me (actually he wasn't a scooter boy he was a young man typical of the overpaid, under-common-sensed ex student workers round here)
"look, you've parked right in the middle of the entrance completely blocking it"
"what" responds the bloke
"there's the ramp you've just riden up" I say whilst gesturing wildly at the ramp "and here's the entrance and you've stopped right in the middle of it blocking anyone else's exit"
At which point he flies off the handle "Im in a really bad mood, I've been driving around for ages looking for somewhere to park, I can undestand the concept of what you're saying I've never parked here before and I didn't know the ettiquette".
Two things struck me about this outburst, one, he said "driving" not "riding" an air of smug superiority descended upon me. Two, he said "ettiquette" which made me think two things posh and ponce. Posh ponce.
Whilst still ranting about completely blocking the entrance being a massive exaggeration he started to move his scooter away from me, I said "hang on fella, you've only got to move it over a bit".