Crimbo round up


this Christmas I,

• spent a huge amount of money on stuff for the kids, most of which they have barely shown an interest in . There's a lesson to be learnt there.
• spent a huge amount of time visiting the out-laws
• ate a huge amount of food, mainly whilst visiting the out-laws.
• drank 2 bottles of Becks. That's all. Must try harder in future.
• failed to receive Star Wars EPIII on DVD as a present. I bought it myself yesterday, Asda £9.97, bargain!
• bought Wifey the same book that she had bought me. Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.
• spent approximately 3hrs with my parents. Must try harder to reduce this next year.
• failed to see the Harry Potter film
• managed to see King Kong though.
• spent 3 days at home looking after the kids being a house husband while Wifey was at work.

All in all not a bad crimbo, mostly boring family type stuff. Sadly the Gasman has apparently not been given any shirts for christmas.

I'm currently slumming it on the train as it has been snowing and snow and 2 wheels don't mix well.

Back to "normality" next week when I shall be ranting about Mondeo Man who lives opposite me and his extremely selfish parking habits.

Ode to the Gasman*
To the Gasman who lives across the road,
it is very nice that you are proud of your house and it is clearly nicer inside than my house. I know this because you like to have your living room lights on full brightness in the evening and you haven't got any curtains whatsoever.
I am also pleased that you are proud of your body and you clearly have a better physique than me. I know this because you never, ever wear a shirt and your living room is brightly lit and you haven't got any curtains.
I don't want to see these things, every single day and for god's sake man, it's December and you're prancing around bare chested in full view of everone making a exhibit of yourself, a bit like Chico.

So, please do me a favour and put the following items on your christmas list

1. some curtains
2. some shirts (or tops of any description)

Incidently, your wife could do with a new nightie as hers is looking a bit ropey.

* seventeen pounds and fifty pence. Boom Boom.

I'll get my coat.

You spin me right round baby right round
So today the washing machine repair man was visiting (in case you're wondering why someone as clearly technically minded as me is getting a man in to fix the WM, it 'cos it's still in warranty).
In my mind the day went like this;
washing machine repair man porn fantasy:
in which the role of Fifi Erotica, bored housewife will be played by Wifey (Angelina Jolie wasn't available) and the part of Ivor Stiffy, washing machine repair man will be played by me.
It is a cold wet morning in Hornchurch, Fifi is at home in her neglige when there's a knock at the door.
DingDong
Fifi "well Hello..."
Ivor "hello young lady what seems to be the trouble?"
Fifi "I'm wet"
Ivor "pardon?"
Fifi "the kitchens flooded"
Fifi and Ivor (wearing ripped jeans and a white vest, in December), go into the kitchen
Fifi "can you sort me out?"
Ivor "I'll try my hardest "
Fifi "I think my plumbing needs some attention"
Ivor "I'll just get my wrench out"
Fifi "my, that's an impressive tool"
Ivor " I just need to fiddle with your flangebolt"
Fifi "oooh matron"
The rest is best left to the imagination.

It's been a fairly quite day, and apart from arranging a service call for my washing machine (which can be read about as a comment on Gemmaks blog under the Paul English post) I've done little else. That is not to say I've had nothing to do, oh no, theres shit loads of things I could have got on with. I just didn't.
Instead, I've eaten loads of choccy biscuits, which reminds me - back in a mo' - right I'm back *wipes crumbs from mouth* I've talked a lot, I've taken the piss out of buzz Lightweight who had his hair cut off for charity over the weekend and for the last hour I've been reading blogs.
So now it's about time I got up off my fat lazy arse and did some work. Hang on, it's time to go home. Bye.

Think carefully before registering your domain name.

Here's a list of some funny URLs, where the designer didn't thinkingabout how people would read the name of the site:

1) Who Represents?, a database for agencies to the rich and famous:
http://www.whorepresents.com

2) Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchangeadvice and views:
http://www.expertsexchange.com

3) Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island:
http://www.penisland.net

4) Need a therapist?:
http://www.therapistfinder.com

5) Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales:
http://www.molestationnursery.com

6) Gas central heating anyone?:
http://www.gasheating.co.uk

7) New to Milan and you need electric light? Why not sign up on-linewith Power-Gen?
http://www.powergenitalia.com/

Outwitted by a 6 year old!
Last night big'un had one of his friends over. After they had spent ages on the computer playing the Madagascar game it was time for me to take "N" home. Having never been to N's home before, I asked him his addresss "103 blankety blank drive" he replied. A quick check with wifey confirmed this to be correct.
Off I went with big'un and Little'un in tow aswell. For about the last 20 mins or so Big'un and N had been having a right laugh saying silly names and shouting things out, generally being silly and giggling. I ask N to tell me to stop when we reach his house,
"There it is, number 105" he says.
"I thought it was 103"
"no, it's 105"
"I'm sure you said it was 103" I say as I start to unstrap the kids outside No105. By this time I'm starting to doubt myself and I'm thinking was it 103 or 105. Anyway the decision was taken out of my hands. I let N and Big'un out of the car and told them to wait on the pavement while I was letting Little'un out, you know what kids are like they like to see their friends right into their own houses. N and Big'un ran up to No105 and started to ring the bell and shout their silly names through the letter box.
"what on earth is going on N?" says the man who answered the door,
"I've got the wrong house haven't I?" I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me. I turned to N and said
"I think you owe your next door neighbour and apology" to which he replied
"I didn't know"
"you don't know you own house?" I was now even more embarassed. Five minutes later after I had finished apologising I returned N to his own house.
" N played a bit of trick on me" I said to his parents "I've apologised to your neighbour"
Damn these clever six year old's and their fiendish tricks.

Internet Security.

A couple of weeks ago at college Big Ron gave us his guide to safer internet usage. If you shop or bank online there are some simple precautions you should take. So after reading a post on Gemmak's blog I have written it up and added some extra advice.

Big Ron's guide to Safer surfing (with extra bits added by Mick)

1. Always use a credit card not a debit card. A debit card is a way straight into your bank account, with a credit you are protected against internet fraud. If you have more than one credit card always use the same one for internet shopping. This makes it easier for you to spot any thing odd and makes it easier for the authorities to track if you are unlucky enough have any problems.
2. Make sure you have antivirus software installed and running. It's not enough to install your antivirus program and forget about it, you have to keep it updated with the latest virus definitions and you have to regularly run a scan on your system. If you shop or bank online you should run a scan at least once a week.
3. Make sure you have a firewall. The windows XP firewall is not enough!. Windows firewall will block attacks coming in but will not stop any info going out of your PC. If you use broadband you should get a router, typically these will have an in built firewall and a hardware firewall is generally better than a software one, (but have a software one aswell). Something else to do is to configure your firewall to block confidential information, I use Norton firewall and you can enter things that you would like blocked e.g account no's, credit card no's, names, addresses. When entering the info you want blocked don't enter the full card number for instance just half of it. This way you are not storing the full number.
4. Have at least 3 different anti-spyware programs installed, keep them up to date and run scans with them at least once a week. You can get Ad-aware, Spybot search & Destroy and the Beta of Microsoft's anti-spyware all for free. Use more than anti-spyware product as they all seem to find different things.
5. Keep Windows up-dated, make sure you have all the latest patches from Microsoft.
6. Never ever respond to or click on links in E-mails claiming to be from E-bay, Paypal, your bank or anything else you might be signed with that threaten you with account closure if you don't update your details. These are Phishing scams intended to trick you into entering confidential info on a fake website. Some of these mails are not as obvious as the threatening ones and can be a lot more subtle. For example last week I got a mail "from Ebay" inviting me to become a powerseller, all I had to do was "click here" to log in. This was to me an obvious fake because, I don't even near qualify to be a powerseller. Here's a good tip to spot the fakes. If you remember that the wording of the link is just text (e.g above where I have linked to gemmak it says "gemmak" and not the actual address of her blog) so anyone can type in https//ebay.co.uk/ login but the link will take you somewhere else (clink on the link to see). If you are using Outlook for your e-mail when you hover your mouse pointer over a link a tooltip should appear and this will reveal the actual web address (this may work in other mail applications , but as I don't use them I can't say). Remember a genuine mail from your bank or ebay or whatever will never ask for your passwords etc or issue you with threats if you don't update your details. To be safe don't click on links in e-mails, go to the site you want by typing it into your browser.
7. Don't save passwords or personal details on your computer. If you really can't remember them then just note cryptic reminders that no one esle would understand or know. Also don't allow windows to save your passwords.
8. visit www.grc.com and do their sheilds up! test. This scans your computer for open ports and gives you a rating. Anything less than 100% stealthed (all green) is not good enough. If you get less than this score you need a firewall.

Generally speaking shopping on the net is far safer than handing over your credit card to someone who then walks off to process it. Don't get too paranoid, unless you indulge in file sharing, P2P or porn in which case you can't be paranoid enough.

Stolen from Gemmaks' blog...

ABC's of me,

A. Ambiguous
B. British
C. Clever ( or so I like to think)
D. Doughnuts mmmmnnnn.....
E. Enthusiastic
F. Freaky
G. Geeky
H. Humorous
I. Impulsive (like just spending £500 on a tent when we've never been camping as a whole family)
J. Jolly
K. Knackered (permanently)
L. Long sighted
M. Mick
N. Naughty
O. Open minded
P. Philosophical
Q. Quidditch ( I love Harry Potter)
R. Realistic
S. Short
T. Terrible (at knowing what Wifey wants)
U. Unavailable
V. Vague
W. Wild
X. the company that I work for, that shall not be named.
Y. Yikes!
Z. ZZZzz.......

Get yer motor running,
head out on the highway,
looking for adventure,
or whatever comes my way.


The bike is back on the road, MOT'd , taxed, shiny, sexy and fast (a bit like me).
Ken can shove his Oyster card up his arse and I don't care what the hairy busker musically murders anymore 'cos I won't be there to hear it.
The only good thing about using the train for a month was that I was able to catch up on some studying.
So until the snow and ice arrive I'll be on two wheels enjoying the freedom of the road and avoiding myopic pillocks in cars.

I'm getting really fed up on the train now

• front brake seals - Done
• front brake pads - Done
• brake light switch -Done
• oil and filter change - Done
• Spark plugs - Done
• rear Chain sprocket - Done
• rear brake pads - seized beyond belief into the calipers and utterly impossible to be replaced (by me anyway)
• BUGGER!

So I'm currently stuffed as the bike won't pass the MOT without the brake pads being changed and I can't get the little buggers out. So I have asked a mechanic I know who does private jobs at home to look at it this weekend. I've still got the front sprocket and chain to do and hopefully I'll get these done tonight after work.

At least the Hairy Busker hasn't been around this week.

computer says no...
On Monday I phoned the local bike shop to find out if they had any brake seals (which I discovered I needed on Sunday)

Me: "have you got brake seals for a 2001 SV650s?"

Shop bloke:"I'll look it up on the computer *pause*, yes the computer says we have them"
me: "ta, I'll pop in later in the week"

So on tuesday before going to work I pop into the bike shop,

Me: "I phoned yesterday about some brake seals for a 2001 SV650s"

shop bloke1: *wiggles computer mouse, stares at blank screen, wiggles it again, stares at blank screen again, checks screen is turned on (it is), turns computer on* .2 mins later. "sorry we haven't got them"

me: "you had them yesterday"

shop bloke1: "computer says no.."

shop bloke2 appears:"we have got them I had them up on the screen yesterday"

shop bloke1: "computer says no.."

shop bloke 2:" add a 1 to the part numbers, they've been superceeded"

shop bloke1:"computer says yes we have them" *goes off for parts*

shop bloke1 returns and says "er what part number was it again?" he goes off and comes back with the parts.

me: " one of the packets is open and it looks like a seal is missing"

shop bloke1 goes off again, shop bloke 2 apologises, shop bloke1 comes back. job done.

me: "hang on a minute, I'm sure the front seals are the small ones and rear is bigger so I should have 2 lots of little and one lot of large,"

shopbloke2:" no that's right what we've got here"

me:"I'm sure it's the other way, I can picture it"

shopbloke2:"no, I trust what the computer say, I have faith in the Fiche"

me:" ok, I'll soon be able to tell, I'll bring them back if it's wrong"

shopbloke2: "let me just check, *checks*, actually you're right it should be the other way round, 2 small sets and 1 large set."

shopbloke1: goes off with 1 large set and returns empty handed "haven't got any more"

shopbloke2: "computer says we have four sets"

So the end result is I'm still waiting on brake seals, I haven't re-booked the MOT (which cancelled from last tuesday due to me needing brake seals) and I'm still on the train and still listening to the hairy busker.
This morning the Hairy Busker did a half decent job on the chorus part of Layla but then seemed to drift off into an obviously drug fuelled experimental vision of what the rest of the song should sound like.

searchin' searchin' for so long..
These are recent searches that have ended up here,

policeman's blogg

photos of ha ha rd woolwich

avoiding diesel spills

kljd

centre parc, elvedon forest,

lincoln ne naked pictures

centerparc elvedon

man shot in basildon

jumping traffic lights in essex a13

Ok, diesel spills, centre parcs and the A13 I can understand. Basildon has been mentioned and I ride down north woolwich rd every day but Im pretty sure this blog has never featured any one naked from Lincoln or any "kljd"

"what was that thump noise ..."
a few weeks ago Wifey remarked that the baby hadn't fallen off the bed yet and that by this age (14mths) the other two had either fallen off the bed or down the stairs.
So Wifey has been up casualty this morning after the little fella threw himself off the bed and bashed his head causing a cut above his eyebrow.
He is fine and they glued the cut and fortunately the visit to the hospital was fairly quick, unlike the 5 or 6 hour marathons that we have had in the past.

comments are working fine now.

No Comment!
My comments are not working properly again, I have posted a request for help in the forum at enetation and hopefully they will get it sorted promptly. In the meantime you my find it works if you make you comment twice.
P.S I notice from Gemmaks site that Haloscan comments are down aswell, coincidence? or conspiracy?
I'm off to check the haloscan comments on never mind the network.

Incidently, today is my birthday. I am now 41.

Serial killer at large on the underground.
this morning another brutal murder was committed at Canary Wharf jubilee line station. The victim, believed to be the Who's Substitute, was battered to death with a guitar. The killer is thought to be the same hirsute busker responsible for the recent attrocity carried out on Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street.

While I'm on the subject of the underground, I'm getting a bit fed up with being offered free things,
"would you like a copy of the Metro?"
"no thank you"
"would you like a copy of City AM?"
"NO"
"would you like a flyer for some shit you're not interested in?"
"AAAARRRRGGGHH"

This is a belated post that I've had as a draft for 2 weeks, but I thought what the heck if I post this it'll save me thinking of anything new!

On Sunday 9th I took Big'un and group of his school friends bowling as a belated birthday party. So I had seven 6 and 7 yr old boys, one 5 yr old girl (someone's sister) and one 3 yr old boy (little'un). I had back up from Wifey and two other mums, they were in charge of talking whilst I coached the bowling. Actually it wasn't much like bowling, more like watching a rerun of the Dambusters the way the balls were bouncing down the lanes.
When it came to the end I briefly mentioned who won and glossed over the fact that Big'un came last.

what's the damage guv? ...

Rear brake pads worn excessively,
Front brake caliper binding,
Brake lever switch not working,
"In my opinion the bike is unsafe to ride due to the Chain being excessively worn ".

"Bugger "

...was my response . I'm now faced with a least another week on the train while I try to get it Sorted. The plan is to do all the work myself and carry out the long overdue service at the Same time.
This may not be as easy as it sounds even though I'm on earlies when I get in at about 4. 30 the kids demand my attention and Wifey usually has something planned for me.

Whoaaa!!!
In an effort to further upset Gemmak by posting for the 3rd time in 3 days! Check this out for a close shave. It's nothing rude or gory and it looks real to me.

Murder on the Underground.....
... committed by the busker at Canary Wharf station. He was mullering one of my all time favourite songs, Gerry Rafferty's Baker Street.
There was a different busker on the way also playing another favourite of mine Pink Floyd's wish you were here. Although much better than the other guy I don't think Dave Gilmore will feel threatened.

Breaking news update flash.
Buzz came back to work last monday and on the tuesday he went sick again. This week he is supposed to be on a course (the one I volunteered him for that nobody wanted) and as far as I know he has gone. He's due back here on thursday. We shall see.

I finally got Big'uns fish tank set up (sans fish), he got this for his birthday at the start of Sept and the pressure is on to get the fish in on saturday as he is having some school chums round as a belated birthday party ( they're going bowling first). Hopefully some of the fish will survive long enough for his friends to see.

I've had to slum it on the train today. I went to renew my bike tax yesterday and found out that my MOT had expired last week. DOH! at least the pesky scooters won't be able to annoy me for a few days.

This weekend I......

• failed to do any work on the house.
• failed to do any of the drastically overdue maintenance on my bike.
• failed to watch the MotoGP.
• saw a strange lady's naked arse.

On sunday I took Big'un and Little'un swimming. At this particular pool they have what they term a "changing village" what this means is that instead of having a changing rooms, all the cubicles are out in the open at the poolside. Anyway as I was getting our stuff from the locker to go and get dried a very attractive young black women appeared from around the lockers holding a towel in front of her with one hand. As I looked at her I thought "she looks like she's naked", then she turned round. She was naked. I SAW HER ARSE!. Presumably so did a lot of other people.

When I got home I mentioned to Wifey that she should take heed as strange ladies are resorting to blatant arse flashing in an attempt to steal her man. She said "bothered"

The following completely unfair and harsh rant has been cancelled.
I was going to rant about being held up on the way in this morning by approximately 1million London Taxis on their annual sick kids charity run, but since getting to work and being plied with tea I have calmed down a bit and the rant I was going write now seems a bit harsh. I still hate Taxi drivers though. Black cabs are the motorcyclists nemesis, they are Moriarty to my Holmes, they are Sauron to my Gandalf, they are Vader to my Obi Wan, they are Swiper the fox to my Dora the explorer. They are the sworn enemy of all honest dependable law abiding two wheeled citizens.

"guess who I had in the back off my cab the other day?"
" I don't care, piss off"

The Taxis carrying the sick kids are currently surrounding Canary Wharf and outside my building they now have a band playing

*imagines walking over to the window, opening it and shouting out "Oi turn that fucking racket down, I'm trying to blog up here!" *

What I will rant about though is scooters, but that will have to wait as I have a mountain of work piling up.

Breadwinner
After a break of over seven years Wifey starts a new job today!
Wifey is a child care professional a.k.a nusery nurse and has got a job working part time in an private nursery ina local hospital.
This may seem like a busmans holiday. Instead of being at home looking after your own kids going out and looking after someone else's kids, but the change of scenery, getting some adult conversation (she doesn't get much from me!) and just getting out of the house for something other than shopping will do her the power of good.
Hopefully this will help to halt the progress of the recognised medical condition D.W.S or Demented Wife Syndrome that she is slowly succumbing to.
The out-laws will be on duty at the beck and call of the baby and little'un.

Sick Puppy IV: The Phantom Buzz.
Buzz Lightweight has gone sick again!, but I do have a bit of sympathy for him this time because;

1. He didn't get his wife to phone in for him, he did it himself this time
2. He is off sick because he fell off his bike!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but Buzz is a biker too. He has only been riding a year and only past his full test about 3 months ago.

Apparently on the way in on friday the traffic in front of him braked "suddenly" and he braked hard and fell off. He managed to avoid hitting anything else, which was good and he wasn't really hurt, which was also good. He has injured his ankle though and will be off for at least a week.

Other News:

I managed to avoid taking the Beast next door to see Herbie: Fully loaded. I took him to see "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl in 3D" instead, as expected he was a right pain and I honestly don't think Big'un actually likes him that much.

The film was ok, Sharkboy (moody looks and kung fu moves) and Lavagirl (cheesy grin, permanently windswept hair and squirty lava) was an action packed film about hanging on to your dreams and living them out with a typically american cheesy ending.

I've finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

TTFN

I swore I would never do this again....
but in a fit of Irish/Catholic guilt Wifey has volunteered me to take the Beast from next door to the pictures tomorrow to see Herbie: Fully Loaded because he won't be going to Big'uns birthday bowling party (schoolfriends only) and Big'un went to the Beasts party.

Silly tankers.
Ok I'll admit it, I got caught up in the fever induced by yesterdays reports of panic buying, queues all over the land and the powers to be sitting in their ivory towers shouting "let them eat cake".
Yes, I panicked I rushed out to my local Tesco petrol and filled up with some bread and sausages. Well how was I to know it was only petrol? I was in a panic for chrissakes.

Tempus Fugit

"the baby" is one today !
Gone is the little new born who just gurgled and looked cute and in his place is a high speed crawling menace with a passion for tipping the bin over and putting his hands down the toilet.

One of his favorite tricks is to hang on to the bottom stair gate, thus preventing anyone coming down the stairs from being able to open the gate which means you have call out

" Help the baby is holding me hostage again ! "

Ketchup
Holiday week 1:
The plan was to do some work around the house whilst relieving wifey of some of the pressures of looking after 3 children. Due to the Beast next door's house having an extension built my plan of painting the outside of our house had to be scrapped as the building work was creating a lot of dust. So week 1 was spent basically doing nothing. (there is a large rant brewing about the building work and the Beast)

Holiday week 2: Center Parcs, Elvedon forest.

Fantastic week had by all, this was the second Center Parc's holiday that we have been on. we spent the week (5 days actually) swimming and playing games and having fun. Due to big'uns birthday being shortly after we were due back we decided to give him his main pressie, a bike, before we went. This is because the main method of transport in Center Parcs is cycling, he had two attempts at riding the new bike, both ended in tears and he hasn'r ridden it since. Little'un inherited the old bike with stabilisers but showed no interest whatsoever in wanting to ride it.
On the last day, friday, one of Big'uns best friends from school arrived for the weekend at Elvedon and we spent the day with them.

Sunday September 4th: big'uns 7th birthday.

We drove to the Isle of Dogs, walked through the foot tunnel under the Thames to Greenwich, got a cruise boat to Westminster and took a "flight" on the London Eye. The weather was hot and the sky was clear and blue, we could not have asked for a better day to do the Eye.

Big'un had a good day and enjoyed the eye, Little'un was ok but is definitely turning into a moody teenager, 3 going on 13. (a job for supernanny methinks ..... mmnnn supernanny....mmnnn)

Anyway, work to do, more later.

Out Of Office Autoreply:
I am awayfrom the office on holiday and will return to work (and blogging) on Mon 5th September.
If you require a blog to read please choose one of the excellent blogs listed a bit further down on the left.

Friday Fact #4.
I smoked up until I was 21.
When I was 18 my Dad had a heart attack, he was a 60 a day smoker, it nearly killed him. My Dad's brother had angina and between them they had a few other illness's such as lung infections and other heart problems. At age 21 I was smoking a minimum of 30 fags a day, everyday. I was heading down a road that didn't have much of a future.
"giving up smoking is easy, I've done it loads of times, Ha Ha Ha" this old line applied to me, I had tried before but never really wanted to give up.
So, why was I successful this time? what was different? well I had a real incentive, I didn't want a heart attack in my mid 30's and also I had been reading about positive mental attitude in an article in a martial arts magazine.
I officially gave up on my 21st birthday, as a present to myself, this was a Friday. On the following Sunday I had one smoke and then another on wednesday. On Thursday something happened that was really the key to my giving up.
I was driving to my Kung Fu class with a bloke called Vince who I gave a lift to,
"want a smoke Mick?" he asked
"er, erm, yeah OK" I replied "I'm actually giving up, but I'll have one anyway"
"giving up?"
"yeah" I said
" in that case you can't have one" he said coldly.
"WHAT!, come on don't fuck me about, give us a fag"
"no, if your giving up then I'm not giving you a fag"
there followed a moment of silence then Vince laughed and said "I'm just messing, here have one"
I thought about it, either I'm giving up or I'm not. Decision time.
"no" I said firmly "you can poke your fags up your arse"
I never smoked again.

"You gotta have faith"
I'm currently reading the Da Vinci code by Dan Brown, which is not a bad novel. It is an easy read that moves along at a good pace and is not too demanding and (depending on your beliefs) is based around an interesting theory.
The film of the book is currently filming in Lincoln and a nun has set up a vigil to protest against the book/film being filmed at Lincoln cathedral saying, "it is against the very essence of what we believe".
" The Da Vinci code is a load of old tosh" said the Dean of Lincoln cathedral, after accepting a donation of £100,000 to allow filming in the church. He obviously belongs to a different church to the nun, the church of filthy lucre.

Of course you could say that the Bible is a load of old tosh aswell and all of this plays nicely into the hands of the conspiracy theorists who claim the Church tried to cover it all up and discredit the theories, not to mention a nice slice of publicity.

I just updated my blog roll to include some of the excellent blogs I discovered whilst following Big Blogger 2005.
Some of the Blog mates I had read before but there were a lot that were new to me.
I'm off to read them now.

Like Kryptonite to Superman
is what diesel on the road is to Bikers.
There is a serious diesel spill on the route from the A13 down through royal docks road and royal albert way past UeL and city airport.
I was lucky. When I turned off the A13 at the A406 roundabout and went down royal docks road road as I leaned quite hard round the corner and went across the edge of the spill.
The bloke driving the porsche boxter wasn't so lucky further on. As I was waiting at the traffic lights half way round Gallions roundabout, Mr Boxster caned it out of woolwich manor way and off up royal albert way, I thought I heard a bit of a funny noise. The lights changed and I went off carefully avoiding the diesel and was greated by the sight of the boxter on the other carriage way in a cloud of dust and dirt where he had lost it and spun across the central reservation and hit the oppsite kerb. The driver was ok as he was out of the car and inspecting it.
I have reported this to Transport for london.
We all know that diesel spills are deadly so make sure you report any to TFL by calling the Street Faults Contact Centre on 0845 305 1234. or visit the website http://streetfaults.tfl.gov.uk/

Carry on Camping*.
What a fantastic idea! I said enthusiastically when my mate G suggested taking the kids on a camping weekend.
But as the weekend approached I started getting a bit nervous, the prospect of spending a night under canvas (it was nylon actually, but saying "spending a night under nylon" makes it sound like I went to a fetish party) was starting to get a bit scary. Alone, in the wild, just me, big'un and little'un with no support team (Wifey), it would be like a coming of age, rite of passage type thing. The kids might get something out of it aswell.
So, on Saturday myself (aged 40), Big'un (6), Little'un (3) accompanied by G (36) his two eldest boys (8 and 4) and another bloke called Fergie (43, I think) and his son (9) set off to deepest, darkest, Hertford (just off the M25 and up the A10 a bit).

The plan was simple,

• arrive.
• put tents up.
• have a BBQ.
• play games etc to wear kids out.
• throw sleeping chidren into sleeping bags.
• drink beer.
• go to bed.
• wake up.
• have brekkie.
• pack up tents.
• go home.

It all started to go awry when G's GPS led us to the wrong place (it was a typo apparently). When we arrived at the campsite I took the kids off for a toilet break while G and Fergie started to unpack the tents. As I supervised Little'un sitting on the toilet (he's just starting to get the hang off this toilet lark) I noticed that He'd managed to somehow wee on top of the seat, I realised that the angle of the dangle had been all wrong and Little'un had overshot the seat and wee'd straight into his pants. Disaster! I thought, we've only been here 5 minutes and already I'm involved in a toilet incident, all my worst fears were coming true. We returned safely to the pitch, with Little'un going commando.

Surely nothing else could go wrong? but bad things always come in 3's and the worst possible thing you could imagine happened. Yes that's right, one of the throwaway BBQ's didn't light! (we had to throw it away) and the fish fingers got burned. ( in case you're wondering why we would cook fish fingers on a barbie, it's because G's kids are veggie). By 9.00 saturday night it looked like the kid's would be putting the adults to bed as they were still going strong and we were shattered.

The rest of the trip went just fine and the kids had a great time. We went swimming at the Lea Valley Leisure Pool on the way home and later on sunday G and I took 3 of the kids to see the Fantastic Four. (3 film reviews coming soon).

This week I'm off on a training course for 2 day's so Wifey will be home alone, with 3 children for 2 nights, while I'm getting pissed, whoops I meant to say studying and stuff.

* much to our dissapointment a young Barbara windsor looky likey and a coachload of young ladies completely failed to arrive and start exercising in their bikini's. I feel cheated.

This has just been mailed to me at work from someone in the bikers mail group,

http://www.unityride.co.uk/

If you get a chance you should also visit

http://www.werenotafraid.com/

a tough call to make.
2 weeks after the event described below it has been established that the man shot was not a suspected terrorist. He was a Brazilian man who had no terrorist connections.
Although details are still cloudy it appears that he came out of some flats being watched by the police, wearing a rucksack and walked into stockwell tube station. When he was approached by the police he ran into the station and down to the platform and onto a train at which point he was shot. It remains unclear as to why he ran when challenged by the police.
What worries me about the quote in the post below is that it sounds like an execution, and some people are likely to call the for police involved to be charged.
There are many victims from this event and apart from the obvious ones, don't forget about the people on the train, who saw a man shot 7 times in the head right in front of them. They will never forget this.
The policeman and his family will be deeply affected by this and should also be remembered.
Now let's look at the event and the policeman's choices,

1. a man, of foreign appearance, leaves a building thought to house terrorists
2. he enters a tube station on the London underground where there have been recent bombings.
3. when challenged by the police he runs towards the train.
4. The police give chase and when the suspect trips as he enters a train the policeman has to make the call. All the questions below have one thing in common, the policeman with the gun doesn't know the answer to any of them.

• why did he run?
• is this man carrying a bomb which he is about to detonate? If so I have to shoot him dead.
• if he doesn't have a bomb and I shoot him it will be a terrible mistake.
• if he does have a bomb and I don't shoot him, lots of people, including myself could die.

The risk that he was a bomber with the will to blow himself and many others was to great. The policeman made the right decision.

I have deliberately avoided the term "an innocent man" as he must have had a very good reason for running.

The Brazilian man's family are obviously deeply upset at the tragic loss of their son but I can't help viewing their apparent intentions to sue the police cynically.

There is going to be a full investigation and if the police followed their procedures correctly and the correct warnings were shouted then it was a tragic mistake, if the police procedures were not followed then they need to make damn sure this doesn't happen again, it doesn't mean the decision to shoot was wrong.

From BBC news,

"I heard a load of noise, people saying, 'Get out, get down'!

"I saw an Asian guy run onto the train hotly pursued by three plain-clothes police officers."

"One of them was carrying a black handgun - it looked like an automatic - they pushed him to the floor, bundled on top of him and unloaded five shots into him."

"I saw the gun being fired five times into the guy - he's dead."

This has just happened.

True Essex boy.
last night playing in the garden Big'un asked me
"can we play Basildon?, you know with shuttlecocks"

I said "yes of course we can play Basildon", so we went out nicked some cars and smoked crack.

The sweet smell of ...
Just before midday today I was waiting for the lift on the first floor, when it came in a bloke got out who had just been out for a run. He was dripping in sweat and looked just about dead on his feet. I got into the lift, I was now the only person in there, and it absolutely stunk of sweat and musky odours.
The lift went straight to the 7th floor, one level before mine and in got a group of about 8 attractive young ladies who I assume were fresh summer interns being shown around. Yes, in they got, 8 attractive young ladies, into a lift with just me in it, a lift that stunk of sweat and muskiness.

Friday Fact #3
My dad's father was german and my "real" family name should be Krietzer. He apparently changed his surname around the late 1930's, I wonder why.
I never knew my grandad on my dad's side, and in keeping with dad's reluctance to talk about things like this (see Friday Fact #1) I don't know any more family history than this!


*note to self, next visit to dad's make sure to bring a spotlight, a baseball bat, a chair and some rope.

Pissed off
After 3 weeks of being connected to bulldog broadband and telephone I am today looking into the options of returning to BT with my tail firmly between my legs and a large slice of humble pie in my gob.
We have had no phone all day and I have made 3 calls to Bulldog only to be told it could take 48hrs!
When this is resolved I will post the full details.

I'm old enough to know better
So on the way home last night, at gone 7 o'oclock, going down royal albert way along side city airport I caught up with 3 sports bikes who were out for a ride and having a bit of a race. We all stopped at some lights and as the lights went green I gave the SV a big handful and creamed all 3 of the power rangers away from the lights. I did the same again at the next set this time raising the front wheel slightly. We are now sitting at the lights at the roundabout that is the junction of the A13 and the start of the A406 (north circular road)I come this way most days and know that cars are prone to jumping these lights. The lights go green the power rangers all fly off but I don't 'cos I was watching the pillock in the merc who went straight through the red light. The sports bikers all made it across safely but as I was on the right at the lights had I caned across on the green light the merc pillock probably would have flattened me.
Anyway, the red ranger and his gang hooned off up the A406 and I went down onto the A13 only to find a humongous jam caused by the fact the Police had the underpass at Barking closed off. I filtered through to the front of the slip road and stopped at more bloody lights. To go straight on here you have to cross the carriage way running across, right in the middle is a bump which I have wheelied over once or twice. The lights changed almost immediately and as I pulled away I spotted the bump, so still feeling a bit frisky from the tear up with the sports bikes I thought I'd pop a little wheelie and thus gave it a big handful. Unfortunately I was still first gear and as I went over the bump the front shot up, the tank hit me in the chest and I shit myself (not literally), I backed off the throttle which caused the front of the bike to slam down on the road and my knackers to slam into the petrol tank!
I rode off up the A13 nervously laughing out loud to myself.

Terror will not destroy our society
.. nor our way of life
.. nor our freedom
.. nor our country
2 days ago 4 bombs went of in central London, 3 on the underground and 1 on a bus. So far it has been confirmed that 49 people lost their lives but there are still unrecovered bodies in the tube tunnels, I suspect the toll will rise to nearer 100.

I had taken 2 days off to do some cabling etc for the father in law who has recently retired from working at the British where he commuted to kings Cross every day. Kings Cross was one of the bomb sites.
Canary Wharf, where I work was largely unaffected apart from being closed to traffic and the obvious transport disruptions.
My firm has engineers working all across London and I have just read an e-mail from the Boss saying that there were a few near misses but nothing worse.
I am sitting here, at work, and it is very quite and I feel for the victims, their families and the survivors who will be haunted by the terrible things they have seen.
Terrorism can never win.

Just over 11 years ago my mate RBS rang me to ask a favour.
"Give us a hand knocking my front wall down and I'll buy you a beer.". Two whacks of a sledgehammer later and we were in the Barking Dog, in Barking. It was 1 o'clock.
At roughly 9 o'clock RBS (who was, and still is, married) had his arms around two girls and he was telling one of them what lovely breasts she had and I was hanging on to a pillar looking extremely worse for wear.
The two girls were joined by another two who had been at the bar. One of them, a rather saucy looking red head, said to me "you look like you're about to be sick"
Three years later, on july 5th 1997 we got married. That makes today my eighth wedding anniversary!

On autopilot
I found myself staring blankly at the buttons in the lift, what floor was I going to?. Then it dawned on me I wasn't going to any floor, I wasn't even supposed to be in the lift. I was actually going to get a cup of tea which doesn't involve going near the lifts at all.
What was I doing in the lift? how did I get there? what happened in the time in between leaving the safety of the printroom and finding myself in the claustrophobic prison cell that is the lift?.
I had no memory of anything since I left my desk.
well it was ten past seven in the morning.

Friday Fact #2
Since leaving school at age 16 I have only had 2 proper jobs, but I've done them both twice!

It's always meme(me)
In the last month or so I've been batonned, tagged, bagged, bludgeoned and buggered with these meme things so I thought it was about time I actually posted one.
I think this is the one that Grocerjack sent me. I can't find the one from Gemmak so I'll have to have a look for it.

The total volume of music on my computer: I don't have any music on my PC, but I've got Odelay by Beck, Page and Plant unledded and a couple of old AD/DC tracks on my PDA.

The last CD I bought was:
Keane, Hopes and Fears - I bought this for Wifey on valentines day (I didn't get a shag though).

Five songs I listen to a lot or mean a lot to me:
Baker Street, Gerry Rafferty: the sax blows my socks off every time I hear it.

Suspicious minds, fine young cannibals version: This is a great song the way it builds to a climax is fantastic.

Planet Clare, The B52's: When I was a lad me and my former best friend, W, owned a speed boat and used to go waterskiing every weekend and this was our skiing song. It brings back memories of lazy carefree summer days, enjoying the freedom, ogling anyone in a bikini and hurtling up and down the River Crouch pissing off all the yachties.

Comfortably numb, Pink Floyd: The song I want played at my funeral.

sweetest feeling, jacky wilson: had this played at my wedding it reminds of how much I love wifey and the fact that her smile brightens my day

extra songs worth a mention:
added this myself as there are so many songs I'd list as favourites

reward, teardrop explodes

shine on you crazy diamond. pink floyd

celebrity hitlist, terrorvision

sympathy for the devil, rolling stones

californication, red hot chilli peppers

under the bridge, red hot chilli peppers

jump around, house of pain

mysterious ways, U2



The last 5 films I watched:
most recent first,

Sin City - fantastic, brutal, gory, like pulp fiction and kill bill in one (but not as good as kill bill)

Star wars epIII- great ending to the worlds most famous space opera.

star wars ep II- pysching up for epIII

Hitch hikers guide- sadly disappointing, BBC TV series was better (through my rose tinted memory glasses)

Star wars epI- the build up to epIII begins.


5 TV programmes I never miss:
actually I'm going to change the name of this one to 5 TV programmes I'd like to watch but usually miss,
Dr Who - can't wait for the next series. I hope that new bloke is as good as Eccleston. That's about it actually I don't really watch much telly, I really would have liked to have seen the last 2 seasons of X-files as I stuck with it for so long it would have nice to find out what the fuck was actually going on. Also 24,that looked good but I've never seen a single episode.

Who am I passing this onto?
no one actually, I think it's a bit like spamming or chain letters or pyramid schemes and also all the other blogs I regularly have been batonned / tagged already.

The superhero / comic related one I got from smidsy is much more up my street and will be posted soon.

p.s I haven't actually been buggered lately or at any time.

Hello Hello
Twickenham sat 18th june was the 4th time I've seen U2, for Wifey it was the 17th time. Wifey likes U2.
Not a bad gig, the set wasn't my favourite out of the times I've seen them but it was technically spectacular (but if you want to see a real light show you need to see Pink Floyd, if they ever tour again.)
There was only one real problem and that was the sound. It was terrible. I don't believe it was the sound system at fault but a peculiarity of where we were seated at rear right corner on the middle level. The sound reflections bouncing around caused an almost unbearable "white noise" effect to be heard over the music.
The best songs for me were,
vertigo
elevation
still haven't found what I'm looking for
Pride (Wifey's all time fave song)
Bullet the blue sky (my fave live song, wifey doesn't like it. Hah what does she know?)
City of blinding lights.


"swaying to the music,
swaying to the music,
whoa wa whoa wa whoa"

No comment
my comments have been buggered for the last week or so but they are apparently working again now.
I've used Enetation for the comments on this site since I started it (2003 and have never had any probs until now, my comments have gone down twice in the last month.
Both times I have politely asked enetation's support to have a look for me and they have and fixed them. What surprises me though is how rude other people on the support forum can be, demanding results and being abusive and obviously forgetting that it's a free service run by a couple of people with lots of users. Have a bit of patience please.
Anyone who wanted to leave comments recently may now do so, if they still want to.

Darwin Awards
#1
Yesterday afternoon I was working away on a printroom production colour machine next to where one of the printroom messengers sits. I had this huge printer in bits, my arms up its innards James Heriot style, whilst wearing my "stylish" uniform with the company logo splashed across it. I suddenly noticed the messenger was staring at me, he said
"so, like, do you fix printers and that for a living?"
what I actually replied was
"yes"
what I really wanted to reply was,
"no, actually I just do this for fun on my days off from my other jobs as a brain surgeon and part time rocket scientist".
#2
After a hard day dealing with people like the above I was in the process of unlocking my bike when a *spits* scooter comes along, drives up the ramp to the parking area and stops right in the middle of the entrance and starts to walk off
"Oi oi oi" I shouted, politely, "you're blocking the entrance there mate"
"?" scooter boy looks blankly at me (actually he wasn't a scooter boy he was a young man typical of the overpaid, under-common-sensed ex student workers round here)
"look, you've parked right in the middle of the entrance completely blocking it"
"what" responds the bloke
"there's the ramp you've just riden up" I say whilst gesturing wildly at the ramp "and here's the entrance and you've stopped right in the middle of it blocking anyone else's exit"
At which point he flies off the handle "Im in a really bad mood, I've been driving around for ages looking for somewhere to park, I can undestand the concept of what you're saying I've never parked here before and I didn't know the ettiquette".
Two things struck me about this outburst, one, he said "driving" not "riding" an air of smug superiority descended upon me. Two, he said "ettiquette" which made me think two things posh and ponce. Posh ponce.
Whilst still ranting about completely blocking the entrance being a massive exaggeration he started to move his scooter away from me, I said "hang on fella, you've only got to move it over a bit".

Friday Facts #1
Rather than do one of those "100 things about me" type things and inspired by the Friday's feast thing that Gemmak does I thought I would combine the two ideas so here is Friday Facts #1.

My mum died when I was 7, but for years I thought I was 5.
She died of cancer, apparently triggered by a car accident that she and my dad were in.
My dad for whatever reason brought up my brother and I without ever discussing mum and for years we didn't even know where she was buried.
It was only after my Nan died that Dad decided we should know.
Wifey, being a bit morbid (Irish catholic families are apparently all a bit morbid) kept asking why I had never wanted to know or visit her grave and to be truthful I don’t know why I never asked. Dad never really talked about her and neither did my brother or I.
After much nagging from Wifey I visited her grave and was shocked to find out that I was 7 when she died and not 5 as I had always thought (approx 25yrs).
To this day I still don't know any real details and I have very few memories of her.
I've only visited her grave a couple of times and wifey thinks this is strange as in Ireland they are completely obsessed with dying and even announce any local deaths on the radio (saturday afternoons on Galway fm, if I remember correctly).
I always said that I was not bothered about talking about my mum, but finding out I was 2 years older than I thought when she died obviously shocked me a bit and now I wonder if the fact I have no real memory of mum is due to the fact that dad didn't keep her memory alive by talking about her. I also wonder if that is why I don't feel close to dad.
This post was only supposed to be the first paragraph.

watch out!!
the mums are on the lash.
Wifey is going out with "the mums" tonight. So after I've done all my chores and put the kids to bed I shall settle down to watch the missing 2 part Dr Who story which I've borrowed.
Although in reality I'll probably see about 10 mins before the baby wakes and then when I eventually get him back to sleep I'll fall asleep until Wifey comes in, takes one look at dr who on the telly and say's
"I'm not watching this shit"

Sick Puppy: Episode III Revenge of the Sick.
After me commenting previously how healthy Cap'n Bob is, wouldn't you know it he went sick today. Not normally too much of a prob but Buzz Lightweight* is on holiday.
I went to get Fishboy to come in to assist me and fortunately it wasn't to busy.
I don't know exactly what is up with Cap'n Bob, I can only imagine that he was out on his boat at the weekend and slipped up and spliced his mainbrace or ruptured his spinaker or some nautical injury.

*Last week we all went out for a team meal (curry and beer, we're sooo sophisticated) anyway I was talking with someone from the office and I might have mentioned the Big blogger thing, which means if they go there and read comments etc they could possibly find their way here. As a result of this I have edited the previous sick puppy posts and my cast list as Buzz Lightweight's original nick name on this blog made him to easily identifiable.

Yip e Kye Ay Motherfrogger
Someone e-mailed a picture of that pesky frog with a noose around it's neck. That's outrageous I thought, that frog deserves to suffer way more than that.
So having a basic knowledge of Photoshop I enhanced it a bit...


How do like them apples Froggy, eh who's crazy now
MWHUHAHAHAHAHAHAH...

you decide!
Watski has started big blogger 1.
I can't believed such a good idea hasn't been thought of before.
He asked for bloggers to be nominated for participation so I nominated the girl with a one track mind to add a bit sauciness to big blogger. Actually I must add girl to my links, although I must say I find it difficult to read her blog at work as I usaully find I can't leave my desk for 5 minutes afterwards for fear of ,er, "embarrassment".

Please stop giving me work to do
Haven't had much time to Blog lately, Chezzer's been on a Course and is now on holiday for 3 weeks and we have been very busy, especially with a dept moving into a new building over the bank holiday w/e.
So I've been doing overtime to make up the shifts and as usual Cap'n Bob has not.
Big'un has passed his first wing Chun grading with an A pass and Sifu gave him the class trophy this week.
My bike is in dire need of some maintenance, it needs a good clean, the chain needs doing and the engine is "pinking" Like a good'un.

Hurrah! my comments are back.
Thanks to enetation for sorting out the problem within hours of me requesting it, I just wished I'd requested it a week ago.

What on earth was George Lucas thinking?
George Lucas: episode III IS FINISHED, and were all set to release it in May.
studio Execs: Ah! Of Course what a splendid idea.
George Lucas: May 19th to be exact
studio Execs: what! The 19th, not the 4th then ?
George Lucas: no. Why?
studio Execs: May the fourth!
George Lucas: what? I don't get it .
studio Execs and everyone else in the World: MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU!
George Lucas: no, seriously, what?
George Lucas: (three months Later)Doh!

Film advice
don't go to see Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, spend the money on the DVD of the BBC series instead.

Return of the Addams family
Last week was my beautiful wife's birthday, next week is my (not so beautiful) step-mother's birthday. These two events were celebrated on Sat in the customary manner, going to Dad's house for a Chinese takeaway. This is the traditional method of birthday celebration as everyone gets a takeaway for their birthday (and fuck all else, I should mention) Wifey pointed out that she always has to share this "special" treat with my step-mum and therefore we only have one meal instead of two, I pointed out that this is a plus.
Yet again my parents excelled themselves in their crapness. After being presented with a present by Wifey, my step-monster said "Oh, we haven't got you anything" like it was a big surprise. Yet again they failed to provide any food for the kid's, we are obviously wise to this now and, following Jamie Olivers advice carefully, supplied our own food. I'm not writing any more as it pisses me off thinking about their lack of interest in anything other than them (her)selves.

Blog thoughts
I've stated previously that in an effort to blog more frequently I would be jotting down my "blog thoughts" On my PDA.
So today's blog thoughts are ;
why the fuck has my PDA Reset itself and lost all my data?
why didn't the back up restore properly?
why did I lose half my calender info when I sync'd with my PC?

Happy Birthday...
to Little'un, who is 3 today (although when asked he states quite clearly that he is 6). Our house is now full of the world's supply of Power Rangers, as Big'un (who has redeveloped an interest in Power Rangers since taking up Kung Fu) has convinced Little'un that he should be into PR aswell.
I have to say that I like the PR toys and would have been thrilled with these when I was a nipper, but due to my deprived child hood all I had to play with was a stick and a bit of paper.

One night in Birmingham (actually it was 2 nights)
This weekend we went away for 2 nights to stay in a Hilton Hotel just outside Birmingham with another family from Big'uns school.
A jolly nice nice time was had by all, we visited Warwick Castle which was a very good day out but quite expensive.
The only thing I was disapointed about was that Paris Hilton's "home video" wasn't available on the rooms PPV telly. Oh well, a quick search on Limewire and I'm sure it'll turn up.

Terror on two wheels
As a motorcyclist I enjoy certain priviliges on the road that car drivers don't. I can filter though traffic, I can usually find a route through when the road is blocked, I have the ability to always get to the front at traffic lights and then get away in front of any one else (unless they have a faster bike). All of these things I do on a daily basis. What I don't do is go through red lights, ride on the pavement or wear Lycra. Cyclists do all of these things on a daily basis. The Nobhead who nearly ran me over this morning did all of these things at once.
While I was waiting at a pelican crossing Nobhead was approaching quite quickly, the lights changed and the green man appeared to tempt me out into the danger zone known as "the road". Nobhead didn't slow down, he just carried on coming towards me, relentless, like Arnold in The Terminator. I looked again at the green man to make sure, he appeared to beckon me saying "just step off the pavement, it's quite safe, the red light is on". In hindsight the green man was correct, as this lycra clad lunatic then did something quite unexpected. It was clear to me that Nobhead wasn't going to respect the highway code and was not going to stop at the red light, so there was no way I was going step out in front of him, Nobhead clearly thought I was stupid enough to do this and decided to go up the ramp onto the pavement right where I was standing.
As I jumped forward out of his way I had a horrible vision of him crashing into me and me becoming entangled in his lycra shorts and being taken to the london hospital to be surgically removed;
Doctor: "Nurse what's the situation with this patient?"
Nurse: "pedestrian trapped inside a cyclists lycra shorts"
Doctor: "What?, that's the third one this week!"
As he rode away I thought I would point put the error of his ways so I called his name "NOBHEAD" I shouted, but he didn't respond. He probably couldn't speak as he was being "strangled" by his own shorts.
Lycra, just say no.

sick Puppy: Episode II Return of the Sick.
When I got in on wednesday the new bloke was already here, so I gave a big cheer as I entered the printroom, he responded with a series of coughs and said "don't cheer too loudly (cough) I don't know how long (cough) I'll be here.
Oh fucking great.
He made it through to 3 o'clock before flaking out and pissing off. LaLa, the apprentice, was still here although he spent most of the day comparing mobiles with the fax engineer who is also based in the printroom.
Thursday, LaLa had gone back from whenst he came and the sickmeister was back to full strength but he still only made it to 3:30 so he has now been christened Buzz Lightweight as he bears an uncanny likeness to the space ranger from star command and saviour of the galaxy.

Sick Puppy
I have not had any time off sick for about 3yrs, Cap'n Bob hasn't had more than about 2 days sick in 6yrs, the BCH hadn't been sick for at least 3yrs. Eight months ago the BCH moves on and in comes the new bloke, he is currently on his 3rd bout of sickness, he has been off for a week now. I AM NOT HAPPY.
I am trying to escape this hectic life of copier repair, to get off the tools and into I.T. I would like to still work for the same company but as a network support analyst, to help me do this I've been arranging to spend time working with the analysts. I was suppose to be doing this last week but I had to cancel BECAUSE HE IS OFF SICK..
Last week, I was feeling a bit rough and we had another round of the Lurgy at home, I still came in. The new bloke said to me "when I was in the colour team, if you go sick there's another 20 odd engineers to carry on. But here onsite there's only the 3 of us so 2 people have to make up the work" and, because we are onsite 7 to 7, we have to cover that persons hours aswell. BUT HE STILL WENT SICK..
This week Cap'n Bob is on holiday, I have to work 12hrs and the only extra support I can get is an apprentice who isn't trained on most of the kit and who can't get around the building, BECAUSE HE IS OFF SICK..
But the worst thing about this is that the new bloke, (he's off sick, did I mention it?)a grown man in his late 30's, married with 2 children, has to get his wife to phone in for him. Ah bless.

Who's the Daddy?
I am according to the baby, who has just started saying Dadaaa and bubaaaa. Hoorah!
(insert american style whooping noises here)

Hong Kong Phooey
my 6yr old son, Big'un, started kung fu lessons on tuesday. He did really well and is keen to keep going, so much so that he is going again tonight and I've had to cancel my return to college to resume my I.T course (more on this later, maybe)
I chose Wing Chun Kung Fu for him to learn as this was the last style that I studied. Wing Chun consists of powerful short range techniques, mainly straight punches and no high flashy kicks. From a self defence perspective if your in a crowded pub / club and a bit of a fracas occurs, then wing Chun is what you want to know.
I decided to ask big'un if he wanted to go after a very good advert in the local paper from this school. The instructor is very good and the Kids classes are based as much on personal developement, social skills and leadership skills as they are on Kung Fu.
Big'un is now convinced he is on the way to becoming a power ranger.
More details on Kung fu and the styles I have studied are on my webpage here.

Homing Frogs
The mice are no more, and the holes from where they were infiltrating my house have been sealed with expanding foam filler (the bodgers friend). But now I'm being invaded by by killer ninja homing frogs.
When we moved into this house almost 3 yrs ago there was a large pond in the garden, which having 2 young children at the time, had to go. All the frogs that I found were relocated to the lake in the nearby park. But they keep coming back, it's like Stephen king's Pet Sematary.
Whilst putting the bike in the garage recently I noticed a large squidgy lump in the access road out the back, I assumed it was the normal dog egg but as I got closer I realised it was a squashed frog. I then saw two more unsquashed frogs, one of which was blocking access to my garage and I had to wait for it to hop off before putiing the bike in.
Two days later I found one in the garden and another squashed one out the back.
I re-relocated it to the park, and took a different route back with lots of doubling back so it couldn't follow my scent.
I wonder if Robert Dyas sell frog traps?

Gone Phishing
Which web browser do you use? Gone over to Firefox have you, to be safer? Think again.
The Register has an article about the rise in trojan horse programs. highlights include;

Of the 13 vulns affecting IE in 2004, nine were classified as "high severity". Of the 21 vulnerabilities affecting the Mozilla browsers, Symantec classified 11 as "high severity". Firefox users enjoyed an easier ride with just seven affecting "high severity" vulns over the report period.

Symantec says there have been few attacks in the wild against Mozilla, Mozilla Firefox, Opera, or Safari, but the jury is still out on whether these browsers represent a more secure alternative to IE.

The article also comments on the rise in Phishing scams, this is where you get an email asking you to confirm your account details for internet banking etc, I get a lot of these pretending to be from ebay. The email will ask you to click a link, which takes you to a fake version of the website you think you are visiting, and then log in to reset your account, at which point they grab your password etc and steal all your money.
I would imagine that a lot of even fairly web savvy people get caught like this and it is obviously lucrative judging by this statement;

Symantec also noted a marked rise in email scams over second half of 2004. The firm's BrightMail anti-spam filters blocked an average of 33 million phishing emails a week in December 2004 compared to nine million a week in July 2004.

So get yerself a firewall and antivirus software, if you use broadband get a router/firewall, visit www.grc.com and use their "shields up" utility to find out how secure your pc is, and remember no proper company will ask you for passwords etc.
Be careful out there on the interweb because here be dragons, and thieving bastards.

The winds of change
Thought I'd mess about with the colour scheme a bit as this blog template has been the same ever since I started it.
Also I want to add some pictures and a random picture generator that I 've been playing around with in Dreamweaver. When I get time.

This weekend was the firm's "christmas do". A bit later than normal this year and a bit poorly attended but wifey and I still enjoyed it.
My in laws had the kids (this was the first night we have spent without the baby, who was 6 months old yesterday incidentally) so it was nice to get a bit of peace and quiet and a break from Big'uns constant pokemon obsession.
The format was the usual, night in a hotel, posh meal (remembering eat before meal or send out for pizza afterwards), disco and breakfast. The only difference was this year we had a live band as well which would have been a good idea if it wasn't for the fact that they were shite. This band would not have made it to the second round of X-pop-factor-idol-academy-stars.
Highlights of the do were watching certain people dance (it appeared that they were listening to a different song to everyone else, probably had an i-pod) and when another engineer came over to me and said "this band are crap, I could do better than that singer" and about a minute later the singer asks for volunteers to sing backing on "Mustang Sally" so up jumps the engineer and sings the whole song for them! (he wasn't any worse).
They also have a raffle with prizes that range from small items like a hair dryer or a handheld TV , medium items like X-box / PS2 right up to the daddy prize which was a 26" LCD widescreen telly. Wifey and I have never won. anything. nada. not a sausage. They also have a small table prize so that someone on each table is guaranteed to get a prize. The raffle is done completely fairly but it seems that certain people win something every year and you always find that both people in a couple will win a separate prize, this happened twice this year. I'm not bitter and twisted, no, not at all. not bothered, look at my face Am I bothered?.
Anyway this year I won the table prize Yay! Hurrah! Woot Woot!, I felt like jumping up and running round the room, arms raised, singing the Rocky theme. It was a cheapo MP3 player but it was still a prize that I won. So there.

Death toll so far is 5 mice.
None for 4 days now.
No mice were harmed during the typing of this post.

Her mind made up
she walks down the road
hands in her pockets
coat buttoned against the cold
She finally finds Mickey
down at the italian cafe
When he's drunk it's hard to understand
what Mickey says
But then he mumbles in his coffee
and he suddenly roars
IT'S A MOUSE TRAP WIFEY
AND TWO'VE BEEN CAUGHT!

Weapons of mouse destruction
it appears I have been outwitted by the furry fiend. Sunday evening I investigated where the mouse might have been entering, I removed the plinth board from under the cupboards where Wifey saw the little bugger and lo and behold I found some evidence. There were droppings. So I moved the traps and rebaited them (using chocolate stolen from my children). I put the traps under the cupboard against the wall and back to back, replaced the plinth and laughed evily to myself.
Yesterday after work I removed the plinth and both traps had been moved and were closed, ohmygod! ohmygod! my pulse was racing as I carefully lifted out the first trap. I had my plan in place, out the front door, across the road, into the access road that goes behind the houses opposite, spin trap round 3 times (to disorientate mouse) open the trap and run.
The trap felt light and kind of empty, quickly holding door of the trap closed I was off, gazelle like, out the house into the street.
The trap was empty, infact both traps were empty. Completely. The little fecker (or feckers) had gone into the trap, taken the bait, and got out again leaving only a few tiny mouse poos just to rub my nose in it.
So it's off to Robert Dyas for something a little more lethal.
Stop Press; as I'm typing I just had a phone call from Wifey saying that she can hear "stuff" from where the traps are and that I'd better get my arse down to the shop to get something to kill it .

Thomaaaaaaaass!
I got a call from Wifey yesterday at 07:45, she was feeling faint, nervous, afraid and didn't want to be in the house. Yes she had seen a mouse. Apparently it was watching her from behind a box under the worktop in the kitchen, obviously with some malevelolent intention.
I did the decent thing and instead of sounding concerned and offering to come home from work immediately I took the piss.
So how to get rid of our guest? I had thought of getting Otis Ferry and his chums round. Now that Foxes are out of bounds they might appreciate somthing else to hunt. I'd imagine the request would go something like this;
ring ring
"hello, Otis Ferry celebrity hunt master and popstar's offspring How may I help you?"

"Otis, Mick here, we've got a mouse and I thought might like to come round and hunt it. It's in the kitchen"

"thanks for your kind offer Mick but since hunting has been banned we country folk now spend all our time inter-breeding and giving our servants extra flagellation"

"ok whatever, see ya later potata!"

So it was off to Robert Dyas in the Wharf for some traps. I bought some non-lethal mouse friendly traps. These involve luring the little fella into a box with some bait, the box then tilts up and the door closes and locks. You then release the mouse into the wild where it is free to get killed and eaten by a cat.

Information super highway.
I 've done it. I've taken the plunge. I've signed up for broadband.
I actually signed up for it a few weeks ago with Tiscali as the provider but I realised afterwards that I wasn't getting the deal that I thought I was and I read a lot of bad press about Tiscali so I decided to cancel my order. I have now signed up with with Bulldog who have got a very good deal on at the moment for an unlimited 4meg connection. I should be up and running in about a week.

Bring out yer dead
I feel like I'm living in a plague house. We don't seem to have been clear of the lurgy since about mid-december and the sick bowl has been on permanent standby. To cap it all off Little'un got chicken pox two weeks ago and now it looks like the baby has got it.

There's a fine line between bravery and stupity ...
and riding a motorbike in the snow crosses it.
So I am at the mercy of London Underground at least for the next week.

9 days and done!
Well what do you know his ears must have been burning. Dad turned up the next day, dropped off the cheque, muttered something about having to get back and promptly pissed off. A bungee Grandad.

8 Days and counting.....
On Sunday 16th Jan we had the baby christened. We had a small gathering of family and friends in the church and then back to our place for tea and medals.
My Dad and Stepmum came. Yes them again, the most disinterested grandparents you could ever meet.
Just a quick recap: Dad;- 73, pisshead. Real mum died when I was 7 hence, Stepmum;- 52, fat, grumpy, wheelchair bound due to crippling MS.
So back at our house the great wheeled one regails anyone in earshot with stories of her daughters children, especially about how my Dad "had a grandaughter on each knee" oh what jolly times were had by all (actually I'm not sure how that works as She has 3 girls and I've never noticed Dad having an extra knee). She pauses occasionally to ask someone passing to stick some food in her gob, which she can't do herself, she then eats like a seal eating fish (insert honking noises here).
Anyway shortly before they leave Dad mutters something to me along the lines of "sorry I didn't time to get out and get anything or a card". Yes that's right my parents came to their grandson's christening, came back to our house, enjoyed our hospitality, ate the food and drink provided and then pissed off without even buying a fucking card that alone getting a present for their newest Grandchild. I typed that last bit really hard as it makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
As they leave Dad say's he'll write a cheque that we can stick in the baby's account and "pop round with it tomorrow", did he come?...
8 days and counting.

world wide weirdo's
After reading an excellent post at watski's world about things that people searched for and found his site, for example 'bonjela applied to eye by mistake' I have signed up for a statcounter which should be able to tell me such interesting info.

On boxing day there was an earthquake offshore in Indonesia which caused a tsunami. This tidal wave caused much destruction and loss of life across Asia and is a terrible tragedy. This has been (and will be be for sometime) covered extensively by the media and I will not be dwelling on it other than to say that it's amazing how many people have trouble pronouncing tsunami.